Transcript – Episode 26
[Show music begins]
Noah Fried: This is Episode 26 of Alohomora! for April 7, 2013.
[Show music continues]
Noah: Hey, everyone. This is Noah Fried.
Kat Miller: I’m Kat Miller.
Caleb Graves: And I’m Caleb Graves. And this week we’re really excited to welcome on board our special guest host, the world renowned podcaster Micah Tannenbaum of MuggleCast and recently Game of Owns fame. So thanks for joining us, Micah.
Micah Tannenbaum: What’s up, guys? Thanks so much for having me.
Kat: Yeah, absolutely. It’s nice to hear your voice.
Noah: What have you been doing since MuggleNet?
Micah: Well, I’ve taken a few vacations, used all the money that I’ve made off of MuggleNet… no, I’m just joking.
[Kat and Micah laugh]
Micah: I wouldn’t… that wouldn’t have actually allowed me to take too many vacations. But honestly, just been busy with work and as Caleb mentioned earlier, working on the Game of Thrones podcast as well. So with the third season not too far off.
Noah: When’s the new book coming out?
Micah: That’s a very good question, Noah.
Noah: Do you… [laughs]
Micah: If you can find that out…
[Noah laughs]
Micah: …you let me know.
Noah: I just know that it’s going to be thousands and thousands of pages and that I probably won’t be reading it because of it.
[Kat laughs]
Micah: Why not? Well, given some of the stuff you talk about on this show, I think you would actually be quite interested in Game of Thrones.
Noah: You know what? I am pretty interested except I’ve skipped through Bran and Arya to get to the good stuff. So…
Micah: Well…
Noah: But that’s just me. [laughs]
Micah: Well, you do that. But I’m serious, though. You wouldn’t even have to search for some of the stuff that you…
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Micah: …theorize about. It would be right in your face.
Noah: But that… to be honest, that actually makes it less exciting sometimes.
Micah: Mhm.
Kat: Yeah, for you it would, right?
Noah: You can’t look up… there’s no search.
Kat: Right.
Noah: There’s… it’s just… I don’t know. But anyway, this is a Harry Potter podcast. Let’s get back to the topic at hand. As you guys have been aware, we have been releasing our favorite host moments with the anticipation of you guys looking in and finding some clues because we’ve actually hidden a clue within these moments, and just yesterday, one of the hosts put a new moment and you can go in there and you can find some of those clues. We want to also announce that on April 18, it’ll be our one-year anniversary. Isn’t that awesome?
Micah: That’s awesome.
Kat: Yeah, it’s here already. Yeah.
Micah: That’s really impressive. I mean, you guys have been around for a year. I remember when you guys were first starting this out and you came up with the idea. That’s really cool that you guys have been around for one year.
Kat: Already.
Noah: As I recall, I think I had a PowerPoint presentation for the entire thing.
Kat: [laughs] You did. I remember that.
Micah: No…
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Micah: I think Kat sold it at the end of the day. I don’t know what you came up with, to be honest.
Noah: [laughs] It was the… I… it was the creative energy behind the idea and Kat formulated it into a cohesive thought.
Micah: Oh, okay.
Kat: Isn’t that just how you and I always work, though, Noah?
Noah: I think it is.
Kat: I mean, you’re the idea man and I make things happen. So…
Noah: You do.
[Kat laughs]
Noah: You’re like this divine filter of the stuff.
Kat: Oh.
Noah: But yeah, just keep an eye on the Alohomora! page and as well as MuggleNet because as we get close to the anniversary, we’re going to be hidden… there will be hidden clues in these messages that may release the secret message that we’ve been hiding for so long, this new thing that’s going to be happening. Well, I’m not going to go into too many details, but this is an exciting thing that you guys should look for and it’s in these notes that will be on the Alohomora! site.
Kat: Yeah, and we’re going to announce the actual announcement on our anniversary, which is April 18. So if you didn’t figure out the clues, you’ll find out then. So…
Micah: So Noah, are your favorite host moments… do they include mostly yourself?
[Noah laughs]
Kat: Of course they do.
Noah: [laughs] Do you even have to ask? I mean, there’s… you got the Desk!Pig, the “Is it alive?” rant…
Micah: I’ve heard about this Desk!Pig.
[Noah laughs]
Micah: I’ve also heard about this Mandrake Liberation Front. At least, I’ve seen it on Twitter.
[Kat laughs]
Noah: It’s… we also go by MILF, but that is…
[Micah and Noah laugh]
Kat: No! M-L-F.
Noah: [laughs] The Mandrakes would argue otherwise. But it is… that has been an exciting thing. But I would say that my favorite moments have actually been Rosie. Rosie has some of the greatest, really cool comments on these shows.
Kat: But the…
Noah: She’s always against me, but that’s exciting.
Micah: That’s shocking.
[Noah laughs]
Kat: But your favorite moment will be posted next week on the 13th of April. So they’ll be able to hear all about that then.
Noah: That is correct.
Kat: It’s true.
Noah: If you tell me it’s so.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Kat: So just one more quick reminder before we start the show that we’re going to be talking about Chapters 13 and 14 of Prisoner of Azkaban this week. So if you have yet to read the chapters, do so. There you go.
Micah: Was I supposed to read? Is that what you’re saying?
Kat: Yeah, you were.
Micah: Oh. Well, good thing I did then.
Kat: Oh good.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Noah: I mean, have you read the Harry Potter books, Micah?
Micah: Uh no, I’ve actually… this was my first experience with a Harry Potter book and they were great chapters that you guys selected, by the way. I’m really looking forward to discussing.
[Noah laughs]
Micah: I have no idea who some of these characters are. I’ve never heard of them before in my life.
Noah: Well, sometimes bringing in a…
Kat: Right.
Micah: Yup.
Noah: But bringing in a new lens is always good. Fans love it.
Micah: What is this Quidditch game?
Kat: [laughs] Read the first book. Oliver, he explains it all. Yeah.
Micah: He? I thought this was a female author.
Noah: Yeah, but she left her name purposely ambiguous because she was worried about…
Micah: Oh.
Noah: …sales in the beginning.
Micah: This is all too much on a Friday night. I’m not…
Noah: [laughs] You best be prepared then.
Micah: Well, I’ll try my best.
Kat: Yeah, you won’t know what hit you by the time we’re done. [laughs]
Caleb: So before we do jump into those chapters for this week, we’re going to take a step back and look at some of your comments from Chapters 11 and 12 from our previous episode. So our first comment comes from IHateSpiders on the forums, on the topic of the Marauder’s Map, Lord Voldemort, and Quirrell, and the comment says:
“It might have shown Voldemort with Quirrell, but I would think that he would [have] shown up as Tom Riddle, in which case, Fred and George wouldn’t have known who Tom Riddle was. After all, Voldemort was a made-up name that Tom chose for himself, but Tom Riddle was his actual name.”
Kat: Yeah, how did we not think of that?
Micah: Hmm.
Kat: I don’t know, but that’s very smart. Very smart point, IHateSpiders.
Noah: But wouldn’t they have still seen Quirrellus Quirrell – sorry, Quirrell – on top of Tom Riddle? Somehow they were… the two names were on top of each other because when they were walking…
Kat: Maybe they’re conjoined twins.
Noah: But that would have still, I would say, be sight… cause for alarm if you’re following that Marauder’s Map because were there conjoined twins at Hogwarts and if you were Fred and George, wouldn’t you want to find these people? And it’s the professor. I mean, why does the professor have a potential student on his back the entire class?
Kat: But someone else on the forums brought up the fact that the twins say that they’ve practically memorized the map. So they don’t really look at it at this point. So perhaps they just never noticed because they never look at it.
Noah: Those foolish twins. If only they knew.
[Kat laughs]
Micah: Well, I… how early did it fall into their possession, though? Did they have it as early as Sorcerer’s Stone?
Kat: I would assume so because they’re, what? Two years ahead of Harry and Ron?
Noah: Yeah, but that would explain this intellectual phenomenon of why they didn’t notice that. Maybe they got it in their second year. Or rather, in Harry’s second year.
Kat: No, because they say nicked it from Filch in our first year.
Noah: Oh, okay.
Micah: There you go. See, I was just testing you, Kat. Nice job.
Kat: Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Caleb: All right, and the next comment comes from LumosNight3 from the forums and this is on the topic of Pettigrew on the map. And it says… or rather, LumosNight3 is pointing out a quote from J.K. Rowling, and it says:
“Fred and George never noticed Pettigrew on the Marauder’s Map because they didn’t know who he was. Even if they had recognized his name, they would have assumed he was just a student with the same last name. Pettigrew was one of many moving dots on the map, and Fred and George would have only been focused on the path their mischief took that day.”
Micah: I disagree with this. This is a copout of the highest order. She…
Noah: Whoa. [laughs]
Micah: You’re telling me if you saw Peter Pettigrew lying in bed with Ron…
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Micah: …or Percy, that that wouldn’t set off some red flags? I mean, they’re only focused on the path their mischief took that day. You’re telling me they didn’t look at the map any other time? This is exactly what you guys were talking about before with Quirrell and Tom Riddle.
Noah: Oh, don’t go there. Don’t go there, Micah.
Micah: Why can’t I go there?
Noah: It’s not that kind of show, but it’s actually…
Kat: [laughs] He’s allowed to.
Noah: [laughs] I think there’s a popular meme online about how Fred and George knew that it was happening the entire time, but they didn’t judge it.
Kat: Did they think Ron was secretly gay?
Noah: I mean, that’s what it’s coming to, isn’t it? I mean, Peter Pettigrew was in their bed. They didn’t know. Or maybe, can they necessarily see on the map bed by bed? Maybe they just thought Peter Pettigrew was a student living with them in that room.
Micah: No, that’s fair, but I mean, I would think Fred and George would know who’s in Ron’s year.
Kat: Right.
Micah: I don’t know. I just felt like it was a clever copout on the part of J.K. Rowling just to say that. But there’s…
Kat: But that happens a lot.
Micah: Yeah.
Kat: I think.
Micah: But…
Noah: Well, on some level, maybe she didn’t even conceive of the map until she wrote the third book and therefore, this entire thing is just an oversight because she didn’t know. She’s not going to into the books and rewrite it such that Fred and George actually knew about this. But I guess if we first believe the canon is real…
Micah: Mhm. Yeah, I think it’s just one of those loopholes that she had to try and cover up because you guys brought up two great examples with Quirrell and then with Ron, where there would be somebody else who should appear on the map that would definitely raise some flags.
Kat: Right.
Caleb: Yeah, okay. So the next comment, also from LumosNight3, this is on the topic of ghosts showing up on the map. And it says:
“I disagreed with what one of the hosts was saying about ghosts. I think I’m to the point now where my head canon is that ghosts are actually mostly made up of soul, rather than what was said on the episode about them not having any soul at all. I think that they have soul and that’s why they can’t move on, they just exist without the body portion, making their existence trapped and stuck in time. And because of this, I would guess ghosts would appear on the map.”
Kat: So that’s in reply to my comment where I was saying that ghosts… isn’t the definition of them in the Potter world the imprint of a departed soul? So that’s why I don’t think they have a soul and why they wouldn’t show up on the map. So…
Caleb: Yeah.
Noah: I think it’s an imprint, but they still have a piece? I don’t want to go into pieces of soul, but it’s like, imprint is enough that it registers on the map. Because I think you can’t be… don’t we know that if you lose your soul, you can’t be a ghost? So wouldn’t that imply that ghosts have souls to some degree? Maybe it’s a ghost soul, but it’s still the soul or the essence of the personality.
Kat: How do we know you can’t be a ghost if you lose your soul?
Noah: Because I think we read that about Dementors, that once you… once that happens to you, your soul is lost, you can’t become a ghost or selvin forms.
Kat: I think that’s a rebuttal comment further down. But yeah, I don’t know. I still don’t think that they would show up on the map because didn’t Harry have to go asking around where the Grey Lady was? He couldn’t just look on the map.
Caleb: Yeah.
Noah: That’s true.
Caleb: I mean, we never really see them show up and I don’t know. Just doesn’t seem… I don’t think they show up. I… good comment, but I personally don’t think they would show up still.
Kat: Yeah.
Noah: Or with invisible handwriting, again, because they’re ghosts.
Kat: Right, in the ghost world. Right.
Noah: Yeah.
Kat: If there was a ghost Marauder’s Map, they would show up there.
Caleb: There you go.
Kat: Got it.
Noah: Ghost somewhere.
Kat: [laughs] Quite possibly.
[Noah laughs]
Caleb: Yeah, so the next comment comes from JessFudd on the forums, now on the topic of Dementors.
“If the Dementor had performed the kiss on Harry, would it have killed the creepy baby Voldemort Horcrux inside of Harry (instead of him or in addition to him)?”
Kat: Hmm. That’s a good question. Is this the right…
Caleb: I mean, if…
Noah: Yeah, it would.
Caleb: Yeah, I agree. I think it would also because if the Dementors suck away your soul and get rid of the soul, that piece of Voldemort living in Harry is part of his soul, his being, then I think he gets destroyed.
Kat: Do you think the pieces are attached? Or is little soul Voldemort floating around unattached to Harry?
Noah: I think it’s sucking off the Harry soul like a parasite.
Kat: Okay.
Noah: Because that makes sense with Voldemort’s personality.
Kat: So the Voldemort soul would be like the appetizer and Harry is the main course?
[Caleb and Kat laugh]
Noah: I mean, if you… we’re talking about kissing. So it’s more like… I don’t know if it’s necessarily eating, but there is a digestive property to this or some… we can get into that when we go into the Dementor Question of the Week, but…
Kat: Sure.
Micah: Do Dementors…
Noah: The whole food…
Micah: …have tongues?
Noah: Hmm?
Kat: Oh.
Micah: Do they have tongues?
Noah: I mean, that would make the experience slightly more enjoyable, you would think.
Micah: You would think.
Kat: Well, they speak… we… I think we’ve decided that they talk. So they must have tongues.
Caleb: Or extremely less enjoyable.
[Noah laughs]
Kat: Right?
Noah: In any case, you’re getting your soul sucked out from your very mouth. So it’s not going to be a good time.
Kat: No. [laughs] Touch?.
[Noah laughs]
Caleb: Hmm. Okay. So the next comment comes from AliWood on the forums on the topic of sports and manliness, and it says:
“On the Firebolt being a kind of masculine symbol… I think Noah may be onto something, actually.”
Noah: Yes!
Caleb: [continues]
“In our world, sports are seen as a manly thing, right?”
Hmm, we’re going to have to come back to that.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Caleb: [continues]
“This seems to be the same in the wizarding world, especially among the boys. For a moment, Harry was going to be the manliest man in the school, with the best broom, on the best team, the complete superstar. But then Hermione and McGonagall took that away, and that chance to be “the man” was taken away too. From the boys and men I’ve known well, I know this is important to them, and if you suddenly took away their sports ability/muscles/strength, they would feel like part of their manliness has been taken away. I really hope that makes sense; I’m kind of rambling here. Noah might be taking it a little far…”
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Caleb: [continues]
“…but I still think he had a point.”
[laughs] Well, very good observation, Ali.
Kat: [laughs] Yeah.
Noah: Thanks. You’re like one of ten people in the world, but… [laughs]
Caleb: So I mean, stereotypically…
Noah: Sports aren’t just for men.
Caleb: Yeah.
Noah: Sports aren’t just for men.
Caleb: So stereotypically, it’s like sports are seen as this manly thing, but I think that reaches into a whole gender discussion.
Micah: It’s interesting.
Noah: Which I think is valid because if you’re a man and you’re living in society, you have to put up with a certain degree of masculinity. You’re with the guys, this is what we first learn in a way. I mean, it definitely depends on where you live and grow up and with what groups of people, but I would say for guys, there is a… you are supposed to have a certain level of masculinity, aggressiveness, and dominance.
Micah: Mhm. Yeah, I mean, I find it interesting because in this case, you’re referring to a sport that is co-ed in the first place and you’re talking about manliness standing out and then, the person who is also responsible for teaching them all about Quidditch is a woman as well.
Caleb: Mhm.
Micah: So…
Noah: Well, the issue here was not so much with Quidditch, but with the broom itself. They were getting ridiculously excited for the Firebolt, and as I know you guys all read the next chapter coming up…
Micah: Maybe.
Noah: …how much of that Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw is about that damn Firebolt and how amazing it is? How much the guys and especially Wood is all over the thing? [laughs]
Kat: Well, his name, I mean…
Noah: Yeah. It’s just…
[Kat laughs]
Noah: The idea… the theory I was acting from was… I’m taking a feminist class right now and it’s like male castration anxiety, which is this idea that when you see women, they can possibly take away your phallus, and therefore, leave you empty. And there’s… and when McGonagall and Hermione take the Firebolt, Harry and Ron freak out and it’s like Wood goes pale and it’s just too much. And then they’re stripping it down. It makes them feel so weird. So I was thinking that way, maybe it reflects some sort of sexual or gender anxiety. But it might not be that. [laughs]
Kat: Well, Ali seems to agree with you on some level. So you can just take that and run with it.
Noah: I will and I do.
Kat: You can have comfort in the fact that there’s another crazy person out there.
Noah: Whoa!
Caleb: On the flip side…
Kat: No, we love Ali. It’s okay. We love her.
Noah: Yeah.
Caleb: On the flip side, Quidditch is a really great way where Rowling is showing the power of the female because you have such excellent female players of the game. I mean, all the Gryffindor Chasers – well, I mean for a while – are females and…
Noah: Is that true, though?
Caleb: …then Ginny becomes…
Noah: I feel like…
Caleb: …the Chaser. I don’t… I’m not…
Noah: What I’m just saying, I feel like Harry takes the spotlight in all of these games, generally speaking, and Katie Bell…
Kat: That’s because he’s an attention whore.
Caleb: Yeah, but that’s not because he’s…
Noah: Katie Bell scores a couple points.
Caleb: …a male, right? That’s because…
Kat: Right.
Caleb: …he’s her protagonist. I’m saying that Quidditch is a way, like Micah was talking about.
Noah: Yeah.
Caleb: You’ve got this game where it’s co-ed and the females playing the game are just as able as the males are.
Micah: Yeah. Cho, Ginny…
Caleb: Yeah.
Noah: Right.
Micah: But even in the others…
Noah: Even in the game coming up, you’re going to have Cho basically following Harry the entire time as Harry is actively trying to find the Snitch and Cho is just trying to get in his way.
Micah: Yeah, but that’s called strategy.
Caleb: Right, but that’s all… yeah. It is a good strategy and that comes back to the broom discussion because that’s because of their difference in brooms. A lot of the text spends a lot of time talking about how different the two brooms that they’re using are.
Micah: Yup.
Noah: Right. I guess I’m just trying to somehow make the sport of Quidditch into some sort of masculine centered sport, which is just impossible because it is gender neutral. So it’s a very troubling… it’s a very tough position for me to take because I have terrible evidence.
Kat: Well, I think there’s actually… we actually have a voicemail. She didn’t leave her name or anything, but she has a good viewpoint on this too. So let’s listen to that.
[Audio]: Hey, you guys. I was just listening to your last show about Chapters 9 and 10, and I had a few thoughts I wanted to share about what I think is a major theme in this particular book. It actually clicked to me when you guys were talking about the destruction of Harry’s broom and if you’re looking at it as a phallic symbol, to me, I think that it has something to do with his masculine identity and how the destruction of this is insinuating this idea of the struggle to search for his father and to be able to figure out what his masculine identity is in this book. At the beginning, you have questions about who James was… [unintelligible] …from Aunt Marge and of course, you have introductions of different moral characters that eventually become father figures to Harry in Lupin and Sirius. In the end of the book, of course, he finds his father in himself by lighting his one two with the Patronus Charm and he thought it was his dad, which I’m sure you could probably extrapolate from [unintelligible] reading of that whole idea. And of course, his whole masculine issue is resolved at the end by Sirius, who of course is a father figure, and introduces Harry to his new broom, the Firebolt. So those are just my thoughts about this particular theme. I’d like to hear what your thoughts are as far as what other ways this theme might be showing up in the book as far as Harry and his masculinity. Thanks, and keep up the great work.
Noah: Yeah, I just thought… I think this comment is particularly great because as Harry did not have a father figure, he needs to – his whole life has to be about recuperating that father figure to get him back. One can say Prisoner of Azkaban itself, when he first thinks it’s his father and then he realizes it’s not, it’s just him casting that Patronus, he’s taking on the fatherly role. He’s becoming this great masculine identity. That’s what this whole book is about. So yes, this anonymous commenter is right on and that is why the broom is a phallic symbol.
Kat: Wow.
[Noah laughs]
Caleb: And there it is.
Kat: That’s right. There it is.
Noah: And there it is. [laughs]
Kat: Discussion over.
[Noah laughs]
Caleb: All right. And our last wrap-up comment is another one from Ali Wood and this just is a fun fact that she shared with us that says:
“If we go by the timeline established, these chapters take place in December of 1993… and I was born in December of 1993, just a few days before Christmas, which means Harry got two of his most prized possesions, the Map, and the Firebolt, right around the time I was born. Also, a fun fact: that means that this year, it’s been twenty years since this book. Twenty years ago this summer, Sirius escaped!”
Kat: Wow, twenty years?
Caleb: Yeah. It’s crazy.
Micah: I’m still thrown by the fact that she was born in 1993.
Kat: [laughs] She’s young.
Caleb: Yeah, that’s a couple of decades after you, right?
Kat and Noah: Oh!
[Caleb and Noah laugh]
Kat: I’m actually the old one in the group here, so careful.
[Caleb laughs]
Noah: No, you guys are about the same age.
Kat: He’s… Micah is two months younger than me.
Noah: Oh, you’re counting.
Kat: No, I just happen to know. That’s all.
Noah: That’s not weird. All right, let’s go.
Kat: Whatever. Okay.
Noah: Yeah. [laughs]
Kat: So then now, we’re going to discuss our special feature from last week, which was The Unspeakables regarding the Patronus Charm. And our first comment comes from HPAlison on the forums. It says:
“I find it interesting that Umbridge could conjure a Patronus while Draco could not. Of the two, I see Draco being much more pure of heart than Umbridge. Of course, as Sirius says, the world isn’t split into good people and Death Eaters. Do you think that Snape wasn’t able to conjure a Patronus until he started being Dumbledore’s spy? Prior to learning that Voldemort wanted to kill the Potters, he seemed pretty committed to the Death Eater cause.”
Micah: Hmm.
Noah: That comment asks many questions. I don’t necessarily know where to pick up.
Micah: Ask them, Noah.
Noah: HPAlison, what are you thinking here? No, I just… I think you have to have a basic happiness in general to be able to cast a charm and Draco, he’s just really manipulated and dark by his parents. I mean, even in the chapters coming up, he’s just really particularly bad, talking about Hagrid and Buckbeak. But… and we know that Umbridge can do the charm because she’s just… she can still have ridiculous thoughts and be morally evil. So that being happy and being morally evil doesn’t necessarily… those can co-habitate, which is interesting. On Snape, yeah, I don’t know. I think somehow becoming Dumbledore’s spy, he was actually able to redeem himself in a way, because otherwise, maybe he would be… he must be so distraught given the death of Lily and James – or Lily, anyway – that how can you possibly cast a Patronus Charm unless he’s doing good for Dumbledore, right?
Kat: Right.
Caleb: Well…
Kat: Actually, it… yeah.
Caleb: I don’t know because Tonks is able to create a Patronus – cast a Patronus – even after Sirius dies, a point of great grief for her.
Micah: Yeah.
Noah: So what is it about Draco?
Kat: He’s not pure of heart. I mean, that’s…
Caleb: Well, also…
Noah: What does that mean?
Caleb: What is it… or maybe it’s just… is it more just having to do with his lacking ability? Because, I mean, it’s a pretty amazing and remarkable thing that Harry can cast a corporeal Patronus at his age.
Kat: Well, actually, LumosNight3, again – you’re all over this episode – has a good comment concerning that. It says:
“Concerning the idea of a pure heart to cast a Patronus, I’m wondering, could it mean that your heart’s intentions or motives have to pure? As in, you must be really focused and truly want what it is you’re trying to create regardless of whether said intent is for good or evil purposes? The spell does require, after all, an enormous amount of discipline, intent, and concentration compared to other spells.”
Caleb and Micah: Yeah.
Noah: So it’s like the opposite…
Caleb: It’s not an easy charm to pull off.
Noah: …of Unforgivable Curses, where you really have to mean them in the dark way.
Micah: Yeah, I think it ties in to what Noah was just saying before with your heart’s intentions. They don’t necessarily have to be good intentions. They could be evil intentions and as a result of that, that can make you happy in a twisted sort of way and that will allow you to conjure that particular spell or that particular charm.
Noah: Yeah. You know what’s interesting about Draco? He can’t cast Unforgivable Curses either. He can’t do those and he can’t… oh, wait. He can cast Imperio; that’s because he does that to Katie Bell. But in general, when it comes to the Avada Kedavra, he doesn’t have the juice to do it and he doesn’t have the Patronus… or the energy or the happiness for the Patronus either. So it’s like Draco fundamentally lacks some sort of strength of character or something that doesn’t allow him to do that, and that makes him very tragic in a way.
Micah: It would be difficult to assume – and they use Umbridge as an example – that no character that is considered dark or evil would have an inability to cast a Patronus. I would just think that they would be able to just like anybody else that’s on the – quote, unquote – good side.
Kat: Well, we learned – this was something we talked about last week – from Wonderbook of Spells…
Noah: Yeah, the worms.
Kat: Right. Well, yes.
[Noah laughs]
Kat: But from Wonderbook of Spells, it said that someone who is only pure of heart can cast a Patronus and that Snape is the only Death Eater that can cast one.
Micah: Oh, okay. That’s interesting.
Kat: Yeah.
Noah: So there you go. Umbridge is pure of heart. Who knew?
Kat: Yeah, but obviously not…
Micah: Not a good heart. She’s got a dark heart.
Kat: Exactly.
Noah: Pure of dark heart. Wait a second.
Micah: What?
Kat: Right.
Noah: Does that even work? She can’t be pure of heart. Or maybe pure of heart reflects…
Micah: J.K. Rowling just keeps making mistakes. I’m telling you, she’s losing her touch.
[Kat laughs]
Noah: No, maybe it depends on definitions because pure of heart could mean you are true to yourself. Umbridge is true to herself.
Kat: I think that’s what that comment was just saying. It doesn’t have to be good intentions and Micah said that as well. You just have to want… know what you want and your heart has to be pure. I don’t know.
Micah: But really, Snape was the only who could cast it? I find that interesting.
Kat: Mhm.
Noah: And Avada Kedavra to Dumbledore, even though he didn’t want to do that.
Kat: Oh, he wanted to do it. Sorry.
Noah: Whoa.
Kat: [laughs] Okay, let’s just move on. Our last comment here is, again, from AliWood. It says:
“You were talking about how they seem to change in Tonks’ and Snape’s cases to be the people who seem to protect them, but I was thinking of it in a maybe similar but still a bit different way. It is my personal opinion that when the Patronus changes, it is to the shape of the one that the caster has given their heart to to protect. Now, this doesn’t mean that that person necessarily does; Lily, of course, doesn’t love Snape, and at the point we see Tonks’ change, Remus is not accepting her love either. But they have given their heart to that person to protect, and the Patronus, as discussed, comes from the heart.”
Noah: And that is why Patronuses are magical orgasms.
[Caleb and Kat laugh]
Noah: Because if you think of the Patronus as the embodiment of the thought that is being had, and that’s a happy thought, and the Patronus takes the form of this person and it’s tied to your love and your romance life, why couldn’t it also be an orgasm? Not in the physical sense, but in a magical sense.
Kat: Because again, Harry and James. That’s why.
Micah: And you’re saying Ron loves Jack Russell Terriers?
[Caleb and Kat laugh]
Noah: I could be saying any number of things right now, but…
Kat: [laughs] He’s never quite sure.
[Noah laughs]
Caleb: Neither are we.
Micah: I mean, it’s an interesting point. I mean, I’ll give you that.
[Noah laughs]
Micah: There’s definitely symbolism there.
Noah: And wasn’t there something about brothels in the Patronus description…
Kat: What?
Noah: …or patrons or something? It’s like…
Micah: Not that I’ve read, but…
Caleb: You’re talking about Game of Thrones again.
[Micah and Noah laugh]
Kat: Right. [laughs]
Noah: Why am I getting into Game of Thrones now? [laughs] Yeah, it’s just something I’m experimenting with. I was talking to Michael Harle – active listener and participant in our show, does Audiofictions – and I brought up the end – I was talking after the show – hey man, Lupin and Harry in that room, it seems to be this teacher-student relationship. Lupin is nurturing Harry to learn this stuff in this pseudo-sexual space and he thought that was actually a pretty viable theory. Maybe I haven’t provided sufficient evidence, but this is just a sense I get from those scenes. There’s something deeply personal about Harry coming to terms with these big thoughts and then forcing himself to push himself beyond the limits of magic, and Lupin helping that along the way.
Micah: Your head is a very interesting place.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Caleb: And a frightening one at times, so…
Kat: Yeah, no kidding.
Micah: I was just trying to be somewhat…
Noah: Ambiguous?
Micah: …complimentary…
Kat: Oh, yeah.
Micah: …by saying “interesting,” though frightening definitely applies as well.
[Kat laughs]
Noah: It goes hand-in-hand in genius, I think.
[Prolonged silence]
Noah: Silence.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Micah: Your pure genius just silences us all.
Kat: Yeah.
Noah: Sweet. As you guys will know, the question of last week was: What happens to a soul after a Dementor implants the Kiss on you? Where does it go? Do you enter Dementor purgatory, or is your soul completely destroyed? So a happy thought. Micah, what do you think initially just based on your gut?
Micah: Where does the soul go? That’s what you’re asking me?
Noah: After a Dementor’s Kiss.
Micah: Probably somewhere in Gringotts. I feel like they’ve got a vault where they store all of them.
[Kat laughs]
Micah: No?
Noah: That’s an interesting theory. Well, I would think it goes right inside the Dementor and then it’s… via some form of digestion it gets. And anyway… [laughs]
Micah: And then, does the Dementor then take on the attributes of the person that they just sucked the soul of?
Noah: Well, that’s what I was thinking…
Micah: And they come back to life and they walk the earth?
Noah: You could imagine if a Dementor was doing a Kiss on a clown or something. It would just be really weird, like dancing around. The first comment from HPAlison, also around this episode:
“Since the Dementor lives off of souls and emotions, perhaps the soul is digested.”
Yes, that’s what I was thinking too, HPAlison.
“It would change into a type of energy – whatever the Dementors need to thrive. The Soul would be forever changed once it goes into the Dementor’s body. If I swallowed a whole, tiny fish, I don’t think it could ever remotely resemble a fish again once it’s gone through the digestive track.”
That was an interesting image.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
But what do you guys think? Are Dementors actually living off of these souls for nutrients?
Micah: No. I mean, I think they just live off the negativity in the world just in general, and any time there’s a dark situation it just helps feed whatever it is that allows them to sustain. I don’t know that they necessarily need souls in order to live or to whatever it is that they do.
Caleb: Hmm.
Kat: I disagree. I think that they do, actually.
Micah: Really?
Noah: Yes, yes! [laughs]
Kat: Yeah, I mean, I don’t know if they necessarily need them for nutrients or whatever, but maybe they become less of a Dementor if they don’t have souls to feed on. I’m not sure.
Micah: But I mean…
Noah: It’s just like a… go on, sorry.
Micah: I’m thinking about in the general context of the story, they’re used to guard Azkaban primarily and they feed off the depression that exists around that location. But outside of that, I mean, do they really exist up until they’re set free? I mean, and would they have the opportunity to procreate the opportunity to feed off of souls outside of that particular location?
Noah: Well, think about when the Dementors come to Hogwarts in a couple of chapters. They try to perform the Kiss on not only Sirius, but also on Harry. It’s as if they’re just insatiable…
Micah: Mhm.
Noah: …in a way. And then I believe that they… in Deathly Hallows, they perform Kisses randomly on just Muggles, don’t they? Just to random people.
Micah: But they’re in…
Noah: So it seems that…
Micah: But for most of the series they’re in check.
Caleb: Guys, they’re just trying to spread the love.
[Micah laughs]
Noah: Whoa! Whoa!
Caleb: [laughs] They’re just trying to spread love.
Micah: French kiss?
Noah: If that’s true, they’re doing a pretty bad job. They’re not going to get a call back.
Micah: But you know what I’m saying? They’re held in check for most of the series. They don’t have that free-roaming ability. This is… whereas, as the series progresses and they’re set free, they have that ability then to do the things that you were just talking about.
Noah: Yeah, but I mean, is it feasible to think that the Dementor’s Kiss is a natural body function of theirs and is possibly enjoyable for them?
Kat: Yeah, I agree completely for once.
Micah: Unless they were just starving so badly…
Kat: Mhm.
Micah: …once they were freed from Azkaban that they just went crazy.
Noah: This is a very weird comparison before I go to the next comment, but I used to have a rabbit named Flopper and he used to love the food that I’d give him – like hay, pellets. But when I’d give him the treats, these little candied treats in the closet that I would keep like once a day, he’d go nuts for those. He would love those and if he could just have a bowl of those forever, he’d be satisfied. And I knew he liked that more than the regular food.
Micah: Probably because you were feeding him crap and he was…
[Kat and Micah laugh]
Micah: And he couldn’t wait to taste something good.
[Kat laughs]
Noah: Which is what I’m saying. I think…
Caleb: That’s like whenever I get a bag of M&M’s in front of me. I want to devour the whole thing in three seconds.
Noah: But guys, what if the Dementors are like… the Ministry keeps them in check. It’s like, you can suck out a little bit of this energy, this soul energy, but you’re not getting the real treat, which is the soul, which is like this super, mega nutrients thing that is the sweetest stuff for them. Because it has all the negative emotions coupled with the positive in one nugget of sweetness. Kind of gross. I don’t know why I brought Flopper in. I’ve been thinking about him a lot. Here’s the next comment from SicklesAndDimes:
“The Dementor’s Kiss reminds me of the phrase “giving up the ghost,” meaning of course to die. Is it possible that by performing the Kiss, the Dementors prevent a witch or wizard from having the choice to become a ghost? Is it further possible that some in the magical world don’t believe Muggles have souls since they can’t become ghosts, and would view Muggles the way Professor Sprout views Mandrakes?”
Well, that’s the thing. I’m still pretty sure that if you… you can’t become a ghost once the Dementor’s Kiss has been performed on you. Your soul is gone. I think you need some sort of soul to be in the playing field for you to even come back as a ghost. Do you guys agree?
Kat: Yeah. Agreed.
Micah: I agree.
Noah: Well, then we can just move on. [laughs]
Kat: Because a ghost is an imprint of a departed soul, like I said. So…
Caleb: And once that soul be sucked, you ain’t got that choice no more!
Kat: [laughs] That’s right, exactly.
Noah: All right. And just a final point on this question, which hasn’t come up. If the soul is digested into the Dementor, is it excreted at some point? Or does it just kind of…
Caleb: Gross.
Noah: …absorb itself into the Dementor?
Kat: Yeah, I think it just becomes part of the Dementor’s…
Micah: Being?
Kat: Yeah.
Caleb: It’s used to make the new baby Dementors.
Micah: Mhm.
Kat: Right.
Noah: Or are you just saying that because you don’t want to accept the truth of Dementor excretion?
Kat: [laughs] All of the above.
Micah: Well, actually, the Dementors excrete Mandrakes, if you didn’t know that.
Caleb: Oh, dear God.
[Noah laughs]
Caleb: And there it is.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Caleb: All right. Well, we are going to hop into our chapter discussion this week. We’re doing Chapters 13 and 14. Let’s go!
[Prisoner of Azkaban Chapter 13 intro begins]
[Hermione and Ron argue]
Harry: Chapter 13.
[Hermione and Ron continue arguing]
Harry: “Gryffindor Versus Ravenclaw.”
[Prisoner of Azkaban Chapter 13 intro ends]
Kat: So at the end of the last chapter, Ron was obviously furious with Hermione because he truly believes that Crookshanks ate Scabbers. She blows up at Harry because he takes Ron’s side stating that, “Of course he would!” It says, “First the Firebolt, now Scabbers. Everything’s my fault, isn’t it?”
Micah: Yup.
Caleb: Yes.
Kat: And I was thinking…
[Everyone laughs]
Kat: Nice. Blame it on the girl, of course. No, I was thinking that this is really uncharacteristically rash and explosive for Hermione. First, kind of the first real signs that something is going on with her. I know we’ve seen her break up a few times at this point over stress and I was wondering, is she just stressed or does she truly believe that everything is her fault? I mean, with the exception of the first book, before the troll, does Hermione ever really feel left out or alone, do we think?
Caleb: I think she just… like you said, she’s just really stressed and frustrated and it’s a snapping, breaking point for her, at least one of them.
Kat: Does she miss her Won-Won? [laughs]
Caleb: I mean, I think that’s part of it, but I also think she’s got like 47,000 classes, she’s reading 18 books every 30 seconds, and she’s also helping Hagrid try to save Buckbeak, and she’s got a lot going on and she ain’t got time for these boys making her life hard.
Noah: Wait, but guys, what if it’s just hormones to some degree? Women mature faster than boys, so maybe this is what Harry goes through in his fifth year. Hermione is just getting it in her third year.
Kat: Maybe, but she’s also keeping this all a secret too, so…
Caleb: Yeah.
Kat: …it’s just probably weighing on her shoulders.
Caleb: I think it’s just too much at once.
Kat: Yeah.
Micah: But why can’t she admit the possibility that Crookshanks could have done this? I think that’s part of the problem and I think if she would have just admitted the possibility, maybe it goes in a different direction.
Caleb: Yeah, she’s a little prideful here.
Micah: I mean, it’s not that far-reaching to assume that a cat would have eaten a rat.
Kat: Right.
Noah: But maybe she senses that Crookshanks has a certain degree of intellect and maybe she would realize that Crookshanks would know better on some way, even though that’s ridiculous. It’s a cat. But that is one potential argument. She should have accepted the possibility.
Micah: But the evidence throughout the book doesn’t point in that direction.
Noah: What about the fact that Crookshanks was going for the rat the entire time? Blood on the floor…
Micah: That’s what I mean. I mean… so the natural assumption would be, then, that the cat killed Scabbers, right?
Kat: Right.
Noah: Yeah.
Micah: So why can’t she admit it?
Noah: Oh, yeah.
Kat: And I think too, it’s especially interesting that she doesn’t admit it because she tends to take things at face value somewhat. Like things that she reads in books are true. You have to cut the seed or whatever, not squish it with the knife.
Caleb: So maybe she doesn’t want to admit it because, if it is true, and she has to come to terms with it, then that potentially forever ruins and damages her relationship with Ron.
Kat: Yeah.
Caleb: So it’s a way of denying it. So even though it’s causing this argument, it’s putting off that terrible ending of things never getting back the way they were.
Noah: Yeah, and maybe if she was a Ravenclaw, she would have had to face this a bit more logically. But because she’s Gryffindor, she has that pride in there. Because you’d think Hermione would be smart enough, given the evidence, to accept that this was possible, but she doesn’t, I suspect, because she’s so prideful.
Caleb: Well, and she may… but she also may know it herself. She’s not willing to come out with it.
Kat: And maybe if we stick with my theory that she has Crookshanks, the ginger cat, because of her feelings for Ron, maybe she doesn’t want to be angry at Crookshanks because she relates the two somehow, subconsciously.
Caleb: Hmm. Yeah.
Kat: No? Okay.
Noah: Interesting. No, no, that’s good. That’s good.
Kat: Oh, okay. [laughs]
Micah: That’s very deep.
Kat: So then Harry and Ron proceed down to the pitch for the last Gryffindor practice of the season before the big match the next day, and Ron is elated to get an opportunity to try out Harry’s brand new Firebolt. And apparently so is Madam Hooch. It says that she gives her “professional opinion.” [laughs] So I’m wondering, what kind of professional experience does Madam Hooch have short of being the Hogwarts flying coach? And is she quite possibly the actual only trained staff member…
Kat and Noah: At Hogwarts?
[Noah laughs]
Kat: Like the only qualified person to actually be teaching these students.
Caleb: [laughs] Yeah, because we talk so much about how they’re all so terribly qualified.
Kat: [laughs] Exactly.
Caleb: Yeah. Man, now I really want Hooch’s history, to know what she did before she was teaching the children how to fly. Maybe she was like…
Noah: A pro.
Caleb: Yeah. Well, I don’t think she was a player herself. Not like a… maybe she was a playa, but not on a broom. Never mind. [laughs]
Kat: [laughs] Oh, my God!
Noah: She already has taken Harry’s broom, but…
Caleb: Anyway…
Noah: No.
Caleb: But maybe she was working in the… maybe she worked in the Quidditch industry somehow. That’s why she is a professional.
Kat: Maybe.
Noah: What’s the broom that she sort of documents as her first broom?
Caleb: Silver Arrow.
Kat: Yeah.
Noah: She’s like, “They don’t make those Silver Arrows. That was a good old broom!” [laughs] That was a funny moment.
Kat: Okay. [laughs] So then we get our first mention of Cho, and it kind of made me laugh because Wood all scowls on his displeasure that Cho is recovering from her injuries. And I know it… this obviously fits in with his “must win” attitude, but do we think he really wants her to be hurt? And do we think that Wood would go to any lengths to win? Like sabotage?
Caleb: I don’t think he would sabotage, but I think he would be happy with anything happening that helps him win. He himself wouldn’t take the action of breaking Cho’s arm or something, but if she did…
Kat: Oh, my… that’s hardcore!
Caleb: But if she broke it…
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Caleb: …or she lost an leg and couldn’t sit on a broom anymore… like, “That’s a shame. Guess we’ll win, now.”
Noah: Yeah, who do you think she is? Like Flint on the Slytherin team.
[Kat laughs]
Noah: He does terrible things to the other teams.
Caleb: Yeah.
Noah: He puts stuff in their uniforms.
Caleb: Right.
Noah: Half breaks some of the brooms.
Caleb: Flint will do something, but… to sabotage. Wood would not do something like that but he would perfectly fine with it happening.
Kat: He would probably pay somebody to do it.
Noah: No.
Caleb: No, I don’t think so.
Noah: He’s a Gryffindor. Caleb, as Gryffindor, you wouldn’t pay off somebody to hurt your enemy. You want to beat them fair and square.
Caleb: Hmm, but I mean…
Kat: Oh, the hesitation!
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Caleb: Win at all cost, right? No, that’s a Slytherin thing. That’s not Gryffindor.
Kat: Right.
Noah: Maybe I was thinking Hufflepuff. I’m sorry. Fair and square.
Caleb: Ugh.
Noah: Yeah.
Caleb: Anyway…
Kat: Yeah, sure.
[Noah laughs]
Kat: So then he comments on her broom, the Comet Two Sixty, and puts her down for having a – quote, unquote – “joke of a broom.” And, Noah, this is for you. Is he invalidating her as a genuine Quidditch player, putting her down because she’s female and doesn’t have this amazing, fantastic broom?
Noah: Well, you know I think it kind of goes hand in hand with the masculinity thing. In this chapter you have all of the guys… not only guys. Girls wanting to hold Harry’s broom. He gets really excited about it. And the fact that Cho has a lesser broom is brought up as a point, and it’s true. It’s… Harry’s got… I think there’s an argument here that it’s just a matter of the broom speed. The Comet Two Sixty is not as fast as the Firebolt. But if we are doing this whole gender thing, then you could… it does make sense.
Caleb: But this isn’t the only… Cho’s not the only instance of someone being put down because of the broom they happen to use. It happens to males in the series also.
Noah: Right.
Kat: That’s true.
Noah: That flies in the face of everything I say.
Kat: [laughs] That’s true.
Noah: [laughs] Flies in the face because it’s a broom.
Kat: Haha.
Caleb: Lolz.
Kat: Bah-dum bing. Right. So it goes on to say… Harry comments in his head. It says, “The Firebolt seemed to obey his thoughts rather than his grip.” And I know we’ve touched on this before, but can brooms read minds of the people that are riding them? How do we think that works? That relationship?
Noah: That makes sense because it can obey his thoughts. We know that with wands they tend to have a sense of stuff, but that also has to do with the fact that they have a core. I don’t believe brooms have cores from magical creatures. They have generally different features. But…
Caleb: But they’ve got wood and wood has magical features.
Kat: Right, this is I think the part that we’ve touched on before. Does what the broom is made of make a difference as far as how it reacts to the rider? What’s the Firebolt made of? What type of wood is it? Cherry?
Micah: Fire.
[Caleb and Noah laugh]
Kat: Fire? Oh.
Noah: Firewood. That’s very clever.
Kat: I think it’s cherry, right?
Caleb: I don’t know. I’ll look it up.
Kat: Who has their book?
Micah: Couldn’t this all just be a case, though? I know, Noah, you’re trying to obviously dig deeper into this, but Harry is somebody who’s grown up without a lot of possessions. And couldn’t it just be a representation of Harry just being able to enjoy certain things that he hasn’t had the opportunity to enjoy throughout the course of his life? And for the first time, really, he’s the center of attention.
Noah: But can brooms read minds?
[Micah and Noah laugh]
Caleb: So the Firebolt is made… the handle is made of ash and the tail twigs are made of birch.
Micah: Hmm.
Kat: I’ll look up what those mean because I love looking up that stuff. Let’s see.
Noah: But no, I hear you, Micah. Just the idea that this is some product that he can enjoy. We know that ever since he’s had a broom he’s been completely… he’s felt right up in the air.
Micah: Yeah.
Noah: But this idea that it can obey his thoughts more than the Nimbus 2000. Is that because he’s just maybe a better player now? Or is it because the broom can sense something of his movements? Or… I don’t know. That’s kind of wild.
Micah: Yeah, I mean…
Caleb: It says the birch… oh, sorry. Go ahead, Micah.
Micah: No, go ahead. Go ahead.
Caleb: I was just going to say the birch is individually selected in hone to aerodynamic perfection.
Kat: Oh, boy.
Caleb: So that doesn’t really have much to do with the whole being able to connect with the rider matter.
Kat: Oh, wait. What kind of wood did you say? Ash?
Caleb: Ash and birch.
Kat: Okay.
Micah: But aerodynamic is interesting.
Caleb: Yeah.
Kat: All right, so as far as wands go with ash, it says that “the ash wand cleaves to its one true master and ought not be passed on or gifted from the original owner because it will lose power and skill.”
Caleb: Hmm.
Kat: “Old superstitions regarding wands rarely bear close examination but I found that the old rhyme regarding rowan, chestnut, ash, and hazel woods contains a small nugget of truth. Those witches and wizards best suited to ash wands are not, in my experience, lightly swayed from their beliefs or purposes. However, the brash and overconfident witch or wizard who often insists on trying wands of this prestigious wood will be disappointed by its effects. The ideal owner may be stubborn and will certainly be courageous, but never crass or arrogant.” Okay, so that definitely doesn’t fit Harry.
Noah: Doesn’t fit Harry?
Caleb: I mean, it does in some ways but I don’t think completely.
Kat: Right. And he’s definitely arrogant and he’s crass. So…
Noah: But back to why the broom kind of works by itself in a way, doesn’t… people are always talking about how it has a feature. It can almost stop itself. If it does have stuff like that maybe it can sense the environment around it in the Quidditch game, and therefore do things without Harry even having to worry about it. So he thinks it’s obeying his thoughts but really it’s just doing kind of the natural state of the game. Like a program. Like a computer program within the wood.
Kat: So kind of like the cars that park themselves?
Noah: Right.
Caleb: Wait, cars do that?
Kat: Some cars do, yeah.
Micah: Yeah, in some cases it’s better for the people who are trying to park.
[Everyone laughs]
Kat: Right.
Caleb: That’s so real.
Noah: Who can’t drive.
Kat: So true.
Noah: Yeah, I mean, it’s interesting. I mean, can brooms even talk? Do they talk to each other during the game?
Caleb: No.
[Micah and Noah laugh]
Noah: Okay.
Kat: Maybe if there [were] other Firebolts. Maybe at the World Cup next… in the next book.
Noah: Would they be friends? Would a Firebolt be friends with a Nimbus 2000?
Kat: No.
Noah: Or would there be kind of a language barrier?
Kat: No.
Caleb: Oh, my God.
Kat: Yeah, it’s a whole class system. You wouldn’t understand.
[Micah laughs]
Noah: It really is. I mean, look at the Comet Two Sixty. Nobody thinks that thing can fly.
Caleb: Yeah. Don’t touch it.
Noah: We should move from this. [laughs]
Kat: All right. So after another great practice, Wood clarifies with Harry that he has taken care of his Dementor problem. And Fred confidently says that Dumbledore would go ballistic if they showed up again. And so I was wondering, do we think that Dumbledores… that Dumbledores? That Dementors can be punished? And then I started to wonder did they enjoy it? Are they pseudo-masochists? And minus the sexual aspect of course. But I had you in mind when I was thinking of this, Noah. So…
Noah: This is just turning into the darkest episode we’ve ever had.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Caleb: So the fact that you thought about, “Can they get punished…”
[Kat laughs]
Caleb: And then your next thought was, “Do they enjoy it?”
[Micah laughs]
Caleb: Either one, we have some issues we’ve got to iron out, or two, Noah is influencing you way too much.
[Everyone laughs]
Noah: Pseudo-masochism?
Kat: Well, okay. Listen.
Noah: What?
Kat: There’s not that much to talk about in this episode, so I had to go out on a limb with this one. So…
[Caleb laughs]
Micah: Yeah, actually what I’ve learned about this is that Dumbledore actually would send them on an all-expense paid trip to Disney World…
[Caleb and Noah laugh]
Micah: …where they would have to repeatedly ride “It’s a Small World” over and over again.
Kat: [laughs] Oh, God.
Caleb: Oh, my God. That ride.
Noah: That’s pretty bad.
Caleb: My family made me go on that ride.
Noah: I mean, it does make sense that…
Caleb: Noah, I’m not done talking about my trauma of riding on that ride.
[Everyone laughs]
Noah: Sorry. Sorry.
Caleb: It’s awful!
Noah: I happen to enjoy that ride.
Caleb: Ugh.
Micah: You would. [laughs]
Noah: [laughs] Smiling the entire way through just sitting in that bucket.
Micah: Do you sing along, too?
Caleb: Ugh, you are a Hufflepuff.
Noah: Yeah. [laughs]
Caleb: God.
Kat: Oh, wait. Was that a derogatory comment towards Hufflepuffs?
Caleb: Yes. [laughs]
Noah: Pretty much all of our listeners are Hufflepuffs.
Kat: Okay, that’s fine. I don’t care. I’m not a Hufflepuff.
[Caleb laughs]
Noah: But punishment for Dementors, wouldn’t that be just a Patronus Charm again and again and again against a wall that they just can’t escape? Maybe Dumbledore’s just like… they’re in a cage and he’s just throwing Patronuses at them one by one. Bam, bam, bam. Take it. Just take it. They’re not enjoying that.
Micah: That’s physical though.
Noah: They hate…
Micah: Is it physical? I mean, is there such a thing as physical punishment on a Dementor?
Noah: I mean, what happens with a Patronus? They kind of get… don’t they get trampled? I mean, with the stag… it really depends on the animal that erupts out of your wand.
Caleb: Maybe they staple their lips so they can’t suck a soul anymore.
Micah: There you go.
[Caleb laughs]
Noah: Or maybe they kiss themselves.
Caleb: What?
Kat: Oh, that’s rough.
Noah: Think about that.
Caleb: Times is hard.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Kat: All right. So I’m not crazy but this is another one for you, Noah.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Kat: So… you’re right.
Noah: I love it. I love it, Kat.
Kat: This chapter’s full of it, okay? I can’t help it.
Caleb: I’m alone.
Micah: Yeah.
Noah: I told you! I knew it. Okay.
Micah: Even the way that you’re throwing it to him is another means of…
Kat: I know. Sorry.
Noah: One could argue. One could say, yeah.
Kat: So Ron jumps on the Firebolt and it says that he has an expression of ecstasy on his face. And I wondered…
Noah: I bet he does.
Kat: …if this is the first time that Ron has ever felt like a real man.
Caleb: Oh, God.
Noah: Not only that. When he felt like he had money in the world. Because it’s also the fact that it’s such an expensive thing and he doesn’t get to play with toys that often unless they’ve been played by all of his brothers first.
Kat: [laughs] Oh, my God.
Caleb: You know what?
Noah: So imagine that…
Caleb: This episode has taken away all innocence whatsoever.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Caleb: I am going off of this and going to watch Care Bears or something to feel okay again.
Noah: I think I might have to watch Game of… I have to listen to Game of Owns to just kind of get this…
[Kat sighs]
Noah: …stuff out of my mind with something a little bit more wholesome. But…
Kat: Noah, you’re… oh, this is bad.
[Noah laughs]
Kat: You’re right, Caleb. He’s influencing me way too much.
Noah: [laughs] But…
Kat: Okay, so…
Noah: Kat, no, but it’s an important point. I think what we have to do is find all the repetitions in this chapter because it’s useful data. And we just have to… let me go through the entire chapter… repetitions of words. I’ll come up with a theory and I will give it to the… I’ll bring it to everybody on the next show.
Kat: Okay.
Caleb: Great.
Kat: That sounds great.
Micah: Can’t wait.
[Caleb, Kat, and Noah laugh]
Micah: Thankfully I won’t be here.
Kat: All right, so as they’re walking back up to the castle, as we know, Harry spots a pair of eyes in the woods, and it turns out to be Crookshanks but was it… it was probably Sirius, right? I think we’re all in agreeance it was probably him.
Caleb: Yeah.
Kat: Yeah, okay. Great. So the next morning at breakfast, the Firebolt, as Noah mentioned before, is laid in the middle of the table for all the world to see. And no offense here, Caleb.
Caleb: None taken.
Kat: It just kind of reminded me in my head. I was like, “Oh, typical Gryffindor, you know. Needing all the glory.”
Caleb: Yup.
Kat: Just want to…
Caleb: Totally.
Kat: They boast about this wonderful thing that is now in their midst. And again, as Noah mentioned, Percy warns his girlfriend, Penelope, not to sabotage the broom.
Micah: Mhm.
Kat: And I’m wondering, if it took McGonagall and Flitwick however many weeks to strip down the broom to find out what was wrong with it, what exactly would she be able to do to it? Standing in the middle of the crowded Great Hall with – quote, unquote – “hundreds of kids watching”?
Micah: He’s just a douche.
[Kat laughs]
Micah: I mean…
Caleb: Yes, that. Exactly.
Micah: That’s his personality. He won’t even trust his girlfriend not to – who’s in another house – to do something. And it’s all because he bet her. I mean, we find that out later.
Noah: And then he takes that money. He ends up taking that money. He’s like, “I’m going to go find that ten Galleons that I don’t have but I’m going to take it from her.”
Kat: Which brings up my next point, which… this is mostly a joke, but does he have a gambling problem? Because he’s gambling with money he doesn’t have.
Caleb: No.
Noah: I think he just has a problem with life.
Caleb: Yeah.
Kat: [laughs] Oh, God.
Caleb: He is a problem for life.
[Noah laughs]
Kat: I know that…
Noah: Enough said.
Kat: The Percy hate continues.
Caleb: Yes.
Kat: Sorry.
Noah: He’s not that bad. Deathly Hallows, redeemed.
Caleb: I hope that when they break up Penelope hits him. He probably deserves it.
Kat: Do they break up?
Caleb: Yeah.
Noah: No, I think something terrible happens to Penelope, right?
Caleb: No. What? No.
Kat: I don’t think we ever see them break up.
Caleb: No, but he doesn’t…
Kat: You can imagine it in your head.
Caleb: No, but they have to because he does not marry her. He marries someone else.
Kat: Right, someone named Audrey, I think. I remember.
Noah: Wait, did Penelope Clearwater die?
Caleb: No.
Noah: That’s terrible if that’s wrong, but…
Caleb: No, she did not.
Noah: Are you sure?
Caleb: Yup.
Noah: Okay.
Kat: Okay.
[Noah laughs]
Kat: So then Draco comes over to give Harry crap about the broom, of course, or to just bask in its glory. Internally, of course. Whatever. So Harry finally gets the backbone when it comes to Draco and says, probably, one of my favorite comebacks in the entire series.
Noah: Yeah.
Kat: He says, “Pity you can’t attach an arm to yours, Malfoy, then it could catch the Snitch for you.” And, of course, the whole team laughs hysterically and Draco runs away with his tail between his legs. But I just love that. It’s nice to see Harry finally sticking up for himself.
Noah: You’d think… why did Draco just kind of run away immediately after? Just walk away with everybody laughing? Because that just makes him look so terrible. You’d think he’d have a better pick up after that one.
Kat: He’s not quick on the uptake. He’s not…
Noah: He’s really not.
Kat: He’s not a Ravenclaw, let’s put it that way. He’s a Slytherin. Plain and simple.
Noah: So he was probably pretty humiliated at that point, which probably leads him to do what he does in the next game.
Caleb: Yeah.
Kat: Right. Exactly.
Noah: So maybe if Harry hadn’t been so much of a whatever it is, maybe the Dementor thing wouldn’t have happened.
Kat: Probably not. But we all know that that’s how Draco retaliates.
Noah: Yeah, but Harry could have… what I’m saying is that could have not happened had… yeah, I mean, you get the point.
Kat: Right, right. So we go through the game, not too much happened. Harry meets Cho in the beginning and he notices that she is extremely pretty. Lee continues to try and talk about the Firebolt, and McGonagall continually shuts him down. And…
Caleb: These are constantly some of my favorite scenes throughout the series, the back and forth between Lee Jordan and McGonagall. [laughs]
Kat: Yeah, how she’s literally screaming at him.
Caleb: Yeah.
Kat: It’s great.
Micah: Do you think they hook up?
Noah: Lee is also really excited about the Firebolt.
Kat: What?
Caleb: Wait, no, I want to hear…
Noah: Lee is also really excited about the Firebolt.
Caleb: What did you say, Micah, though? [laughs]
Micah: I didn’t say anything.
Caleb: Oh…
Kat: Yes, you did.
Caleb: …you totally did.
[Caleb and Micah laugh]
Caleb: What did you say?
Kat: I think he said that they…
Micah: I said, “Do you think they hook up?”
Kat: Yeah.
Caleb: That’s exactly what I thought you said.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Caleb: God, my homegirl better just keep it under wraps because no, that’s not okay – teacher and student.
Noah: Hey, we shipped Buckbeak and Hagrid last episode.
Kat: Well, you did.
Noah: Or I did.
Caleb: Yeah, let’s not please spread that to all of us.
[Micah and Noah laugh]
Noah: Okay. It’s already got to Kat.
Micah: Noah seems like he really…
Kat: Oh, no, I cannot…
Micah: …makes these shows pretty interesting.
Kat: [laughs] Yeah.
Noah: This is a particularly interesting one. [laughs]
Kat: It is. It’s very true. Very, very true.
Micah: But I agree with what Caleb was saying. I think they’re really some of the more funny moments in the series. And I know Quidditch kind of went on the back burner just because it was so expensive in the films, but it would have been good to have a few more of these moments, these light-hearted moments, throughout the course of the films.
Kat: Especially in this film, because… I’ve mentioned this before, but this film is very…
Caleb: Ugh.
Kat: …serious in its tone. And I know, yeah yeah, blah blah, it was needed. Transition movie, mah mah, whatever. But it would have been nice.
Micah: It’s my least favorite film of…
Caleb: Same. It did not need to be that dark. It’s Alfonso Cuar?n trying to make his imprint on it.
Kat: Yeah.
Noah: I disagree. I thought that this was absolutely my favorite movie of all of them.
Micah: [laughs] Of course you would.
Noah: Alfonso Cuar?n is the best.
Micah: But a lot of people feel that way. A lot of people feel that way.
Caleb: It’s a very polarizing film.
Kat: Well, according to… I just want to say…
Noah: It feels like a cohesive whole, is the thing. It’s not a montage movie like half of the other ones.
Kat: I just…
Noah: That was just my critique.
Caleb: Mmm.
Kat: I wanted to say that I’m the only person who saw all of the results for the Harry Potter Oscars that we did last month.
Noah: Mmm.
Kat: And Prisoner of Azkaban got fifth place for most amount of votes. Just throwing it out there. So obviously not everybody thinks that. It just…
Caleb: Yeah.
Kat: …appears that everybody thinks that.
Micah: Wait, who kept you in check with the voting, though? [laughs] How do we know you just didn’t skew them the way you would want them?
Caleb: Oh, that’s true.
Kat: No, there was no way to skew the votes.
Caleb: Uh-huh.
Micah: Uh-huh.
Noah: Right.
Kat: And that’s not my least favorite movie, actually. Chamber is my least favorite. I hate that movie.
Noah: Well, hate is kind of relative because we love Harry Potter. We love Harry Potter movies.
Kat: Well, that’s true.
Noah: To hate one would be… that would be silly.
Kat: Dislike very strongly.
Noah: Oh.
Kat: Anyway, anyway, anyway, let’s get back to the chapter. So after a few missed attempts at catching the Snitch – thanks to Cho, as we mentioned before – Harry finally sees it. But, oh no, there’s Dementors. So he whips out his wand, casts a Patronus Charm like he’s an old pro, and keeps on flying, grabbing the Snitch for the win. And I was wondering, does the fact that Harry is flying and is already happy, and not at all nervous about… like when he was with Lupin trying to learn the charm, does that help him cast the Patronus better?
Caleb: Yeah, I think so. I think being just in the zone where he can’t second guess himself or worry about if it’s going to come out right, or if the Dementors are going to get him. Just being locked in, focused. Just like boom [snaps fingers], it goes.
Micah: Mhm. I agree.
Kat: Makes us sad that that was wasted on Malfoy.
Caleb: I mean, I’m not sad.
Noah: But what do you think the…
[Kat laughs]
Noah: Do you think he even had a thought in mind, or was it just kind of like muscle memory?
Caleb: I don’t think it was muscle memory, but I think it’s just… he was so in tune to the moment that he just like…
Kat: Right.
Caleb: It’s just like… I guess maybe it’s similar to muscle movement… muscle memory but more like it was just a trigger. Like a reflex, almost.
Noah: Yeah. There’s also a line, and I think this was his first Patronus that was actually… it was a stag, I believe. Right? Because it was a large form emerged.
Caleb: Yeah, I don’t know if it was a full corporeal one, though. I don’t know if it got to a full stag status.
Noah: Maybe it was just like a little deer or something.
Kat: I vaguely remember someone saying that they saw it at the Quidditch match years before, that it was the stag.
Caleb: Hmm. Okay.
Noah: Right.
Kat: Maybe that’s movie canon, though.
Noah: Can’t trust that.
Kat: I don’t know. Regardless. So then afterwards we find out that it’s Malfoy and his stupid little gang. And it made me laugh that once again here they are getting only 50 points taken away for pretending to be serious, dark, evil, creatures. Yet in the first book, Harry, Ron, and Neville get 50 points each taken away for being just out of bed.
Micah: Yeah, what’s up with that? McGonaball… [laughs] I don’t know what I just called her, but McGonagall… yeah, I mean, weak. Weak!
Kat: Especially because it’s Slytherin, and it’s Quidditch.
Micah: Your homegirl, Caleb. Come on.
Caleb: Yeah, yeah, let’s chill out! She’s my homegirl. We ain’t going to go hate on her.
[Everyone laughs]
Caleb: So I think it’s just because she’s much harder on Gryffindor. I mean she’s much harder on her own house.
Noah: Right.
Micah: Mhm.
Caleb: But…
Kat: Yeah, I suppose that’s true.
Noah: That speaks to her honor.
Kat: Yeah. So nearing the end of the chapter here, Hermione is, of course, in the corner studying instead of joining in the celebration. She says it’s because of her workload, but then states because she doesn’t think Ron wants her there.
Caleb: Yeah.
Kat: Typical girl. Whatever.
[Caleb laughs]
Kat: So [laughs] after a very long, loud celebration in the common room, everyone finally goes up to bed and the boys drift off to sleep. But they’re quickly awoken by Ron’s terrifying screams. He screams, “Black! Sirius Black with a knife!” And so pretty much everyone doesn’t believe him. Everyone keeps saying, “Ron, you’re dreaming. You’re dreaming.” But they run right out of the room and don’t even look at the fact that his curtains are torn. So I don’t know. That’s what I would have checked.
Caleb: [laughs] Yeah.
Kat: And I’m a Ravenclaw. [laughs] Quite honestly.
Caleb: Yeah, I thought that too.
Noah: You’re a Ravenclaw. You’re smarter than everyone in there.
Kat: What?
Noah: As a Ravenclaw, you are smarter than everyone in the Gryffindor common room.
Caleb: Whoa.
Kat: Obviously.
Noah: Right?
Caleb: Okay, they’re just very heated in the moment. They’re much more concerned about the possibility than checking curtains. What you’re going to hate on the Gryffindor… I don’t know what this episode is evolving into, but…
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Noah: Justify the Gryffindors, Caleb. [laughs]
Kat: Well, it is two on one because Micah and I are both Ravenclaw. So…
Caleb: Ugh.
Kat: …just remember that. Anyway, so McGonagall comes storming back in yelling at them for the continued partying. Percy denies that such a party is going on.
Micah: She just got back from… was Lee Jordan downstairs?
Kat: Her date, right?
Caleb: No! We are… no!
[Everyone laughs]
Caleb: That is not what we do in Gryffindor.
Micah: Was he there? Was he present? Or did he stumble in after her?
Caleb: He was asleep. He was asleep.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Kat: All right, so Ron is screaming that it wasn’t a nightmare. That he saw Sirius standing over him holding a knife. Of course, McGonagall also does not believe him. Although, she says that it’s because there’s no way he could have gotten into the portrait hole. And, come on, he was a Gryffindor. I’m sure there was some way he could figure out how to get in. But… then I think it was Harry or somebody tells McGonagall to ask Cadogan…
Caleb: Yeah.
Kat: …if someone… if he did indeed let someone in. Cadogan says yes, of course he let someone in, and…
Caleb: Because he is as dumb as the wall that he sits on.
[Kat laughs]
Micah: Dude, he is awesome. Have you read about him in Pottermore?
Kat: Yeah, he’s pretty badass.
Noah: He had like eight wives.
Kat: He’s a womanizer, that’s all.
Micah: Yeah.
Kat: But anyway, so of course it’s Neville that wrote down all the passwords and that’s how Sirius got in. So poo on Neville.
Noah: Neville. Another question, why did Sirius have a knife in the first place? He has his wand. Is it just to kind of cut stuff up?
Kat: There is probably a trace on him because he is a prisoner. So if he used magic, they would know where he was.
Noah: Whoa. Okay.
Micah: She just told you to shut up.
Noah: Yeah, she did. Yeah, she did. Okay, so does that end your chapter?
Kat: It does end my chapter.
Noah: Okay, and now it’s my turn. And hopefully I can redeem myself after that.
[Prisoner of Azkaban Chapter 14 intro begins]
[Sounds of dripping water and heavy breathing with someone running]
Michael: Chapter 14: “Snape’s Grudge.”
[Prisoner of Azkaban Chapter 14 intro ends]
Noah: Yup. So let me just start by reading the beginning of “Snape’s Grudge”:
“No one in Gryffindor Tower slept that night. They knew that the castle was being searched again and the whole house stayed awake in the common room waiting to hear whether Black had been caught. Professor McGonagall came back at dawn to tell them that he’d again escaped.”
And then we get a line of how Professor Flitwick could be seen teaching the front doors to recognize a large picture of Sirius Black. And I stopped and I said, “Whoa. The doors. Flitwick is teaching the doors to know Sirius Black so that it won’t open for him. That’s kind of a silly job.” So I will just… my first comment will be, are the doors alive? No, that’s ridiculous. How is he teaching these doors? Is he kind of giving them a picture? Just kind of putting it up, like, “Look at this, guys.”
Kat: I mean…
Caleb: I mean, yeah.
Kat: …yeah.
Caleb: They’re not alive. They’re just… yeah. He is just charming them. Just similar to how he charms the keys to protect the Stone, to recognize people to try to fly away.
Kat: I don’t know, maybe he is really teaching them because we know that…
Noah: The word is “teaching.” Why didn’t it just say “charming”?
Kat: Right. We know that Hogwarts kind of has this energy and this magic about it. So maybe the doors… maybe it’s some sort of security thing. I mean, obviously it is.
Micah: It’s facial recognition software.
Kat: Yeah!
Micah: Circa…
Caleb: There we go.
Micah: …600 AD.
Noah: And Flitwick is a technical mastermind.
Kat: Right.
Micah: He is. Now there is somebody who knows his job. I mean, you were talking about this in the previous chapter with Madam Hooch. But I feel like he is somebody who definitely knows what he’s doing.
Kat: That’s true.
Caleb: Yeah, he was a dueling champion. So he’s like…
Kat: That’s right.
Caleb: So he’s got the cred.
Kat: He’s badass. Word of the day.
Noah: Hmm. All right, so Flitwick is teaching these doors. I don’t know how that’s going on, and if the doors are even talking back to him and learning as this proceeds. But everyone is still very scared. However, Ron is elated because… the quote on the bottom of the page is:
“Ron had become an instant celebrity. For the first time in his life, people were paying more attention to him than to Harry.”
And I just stopped and I thought, that is ridiculously sad. And there is an insight into Harry’s… sorry, into Ron’s whole psychology and why in Deathly Hallows he freaks out when they are on the run. Because he always feels like he is living in Harry’s shadow.
Caleb: I mean, he’s just trying to get his moment. So…
Micah: That’s right.
Caleb: It’s unfortunate it has to come in a situation like that. But, man, boy’s got to shine.
Micah: Yeah, I think you look at the fact that he has lived in his brothers’ shadows pretty much his entire life, and then he goes to school and he lives in Harry’s shadow. So…
Caleb: Yeah.
Micah: …he needs his moment.
Noah: Yeah, that’s true. And he certainly deserves it and he gets it talking to just everyone coming up to him and he says how, “Yes, Sirius came in with his twelve inch knife!” So then Ron yells and then he scampered… he scarpered. That’s the word Ron used.
Kat: “Scampered.”
Caleb: I’m going to scamper.
Noah: I have “scarpered” in my book.
Kat: Well, you have the British version. It says “scampered” in the US edition.
Noah: [in a British accent] “He scarpered!” [back to normal voice] Anyway, it’s just sort of a funny word. Sirius Black ran away because Ron… well, as we know, Ron actually screams like a… not like a baby, but it’s very loud.
Kat: Well, that word is in italics in the book. Correct?
Noah: Not in my British version. It’s…
Kat: Oh. Well, in the US edition it is in italics and that is a clue right there that Sirius Black is the dog. Because humans don’t scamper, but dogs scamper.
Noah: You see, I have “scarper” right here, so maybe there is a typo. Should there be an “m” there?
Kat: Probably. Am I just wrong? I don’t have my iPad in front of me. Does anyone else have their book?
Noah: Is “scarper” a word? Can anybody find out if that is a word real quick?
Kat: I don’t think it’s a word.
Micah: What page is it on, in your book?
Caleb: Yeah, “scarper” is a word.
Noah: Page 200 in the UK edition.
Caleb: “Scarper” is a word.
Micah: What about the US?
Kat: “Scarpered” is a word?
Caleb: Yeah.
Noah: “Scarpered.”
Caleb: Yeah.
Noah: You know what? I’m just going to look this up really…
Caleb: I mean, I already looked it up, but I already knew it was a word. It just means to scat, to…
Noah: Oh. Well, please tell us.
Caleb: …flee, or to escape.
Kat: Well, what does it say in your book? Does it say “scampered” or “scarpered”?
Noah: In my book it says “scarpered.”
Kat: No, Caleb.
Caleb: Let me find it.
Noah: You know, I think at the end of the day the two words, kind of…
Caleb: Mean the same thing.
Noah: …tell the same story. And dogs do scamper, so that is a hint for the Americans. Not so for those in the UK, but I don’t think they thought kids in the UK…
Kat: Well, we’ve established that the Potterverse thinks Americans are stupid. So it’s okay.
Noah: Right, right, that’s what I’m alluding to. Anyway, could this scene sort of be an instance of where Ron needs to assert his own masculinity? This fact that he was able to stand up to Sirius Black and yell and get him to scamper away?
Kat: As opposed to Harry with his broom?
Noah: Right.
Caleb: Yeah, I think this is more just his moment to get attention, more than it is to assert masculinity, specifically.
Micah: Mhm.
Kat: Yeah, I think Ron is just about one of the least masculine men that I know, or that I’m aware of in the series.
Noah: Stereotypical masculine.
Caleb: I think it shows up more later, but here I think it’s just about attention.
Kat: Yeah.
Micah: I think another good question though, too, is why is he in Ron’s bed?
Caleb: Well, because I don’t think he knew which… well, we know later that he’s looking for Scabbers.
Noah: He’s going for Scabbers.
Caleb: Right, yeah.
Kat: Right, yeah.
Noah: And he knows that Scabbers is with Ron.
Micah: Mhm. But I mean in this particlar chapter, it’s just played off as thinking that he went after the wrong bed, right?
Caleb: Right.
Kat: Right, yeah.
Caleb: Which is why Harry asks himself: Why didn’t he try to silence Ron? Kill Ron, and then go after him.
Noah: But just the whole way the scene is described is just a clever misdirection from Jo because we assume that he was going for Harry.
Caleb: Yeah, yeah.
Noah: Not knowing that he was indeed going for Ron. So in light of all this, Hogwarts actually hires some security trolls. And they have clubs and they are often seen to be comparing their clubs with each other. But basically, Harry is going to kind of scamper past these trolls many times over the course of the chapter. Are these security trolls actually good for Hogwarts? And where does one hire the security trolls? Because the word is they are hired, but is there a business that sort of lends them out or does Dumbledore have to appeal to the trolls and get them?
Caleb: Yeah, that’s… I don’t know. That’s really questionable. I want to know this agency that deals out these trolls. And are they jumbo trolls, like the cave troll that was in Hogwarts? Are [they] smaller trolls? What’s going on here?
Micah: Yeah, it’s weird. What exactly are they going to do that is that great in terms of security? Are they just going to… one is going to jump into another painting in Dumbledore’s office and scream “Sirius Black is here” in trollish? Whatever weird language they speak.
[Kat laughs]
Caleb: Yeah, I don’t know if they need to know how to get to his office.
Noah: They just seem to be meant for maybe intimidation purposes. But, again, Harry can slip through at any moment when he’s going to Honeydukes. And they have no idea. He is under the cloak, too, which helps…
Kat: Right.
Noah: …but you’d expect a little bit more support out of your security troll.
Micah: How about this? Why didn’t they just place a guard outside of Gryffindor Tower? Like an actual human being?
Caleb: Yeah, why didn’t they get some Aurors or something?
Kat: Would be too obvious.
Noah: I think he probably paid the trolls less wages because they’re not human.
Caleb: Is that what it comes down to?
Noah: Which is terrible, but…
Caleb: We’re going to worry about the Galleons for the safety?
Noah: It’s all about the Galleons.
[Kat laughs]
Noah: It’s always been about the Galleons.
Caleb: I am done…
Noah: Completely random segue, is McGonagall too hard on Neville? Because here’s what happens: McGonagall, because of the password issue, because of course Sirius Black found all the passwords that Neville had written down, she makes sure that Neville doesn’t get to know the password at all, so that he has to wait every night to get back into the common room. Is that fair of McGonagall?
Micah: What if Sirius shows up again? Then Neville’s dead.
Kat: [laughs] Right.
Caleb: Well, you know what? That’s the price he’s got to pay because he almost made sure that Ron and Harry got killed.
Micah: It’s not his fault, though. That damn cat stole the list.
Kat: We don’t know that yet.
Micah: Oh, I’m sorry. Is that a spoiler?
Caleb: Yeah. Maybe…
Kat: Yeah.
Noah: You just spoiled thousands of people.
Caleb: Wait, I thought you hadn’t read this. Did you skip a chapter?
Micah: [laughs] Me?
Caleb: Yes.
Kat: But, no, I don’t think McGonagall is too hard on Neville. I think that she’s trying to teach him a lesson in responsibilty.
Caleb: No, I don’t even think she’s trying to do that. [laughs] I think she’s just done with it. She’s like, “No, you don’t get to come in anymore unless someone…”
Kat: Well, and it’s like you said before, she’s harder on her own students than…
Micah: She’s pissed because she was interrupted with Lee because…
Caleb: No, no!
Kat: Oh, God.
Micah: …Neville left the passwords…
[Everyone laughs]
Caleb: No, I just think she’s…
Noah: Micah, that’s terribly inappropriate. Why you gotta be that way?
Caleb: Whatever, it’s for the greater good. Neville has to die so that the rest of the Gryffindor commom room can stay alive.
Noah: Whoa.
Kat: Wow.
Micah: Wow.
Noah: If things weren’t bad enough for Neville then, guys, this is what happens. He gets a Howler from his grandmother at the breakfast feast and Ron sees it and was like, “Hey, you better run for it.” And he does run, not quick enough, the Howler booms, and then Neville’s grandmother gets really, really angry. And then Hedwig comes over and nips Harry sharply on the wrist. This has always been bothering me. Why is Hedwig always sharply nudging Harry on the wrist? Always as if she’s not getting enough attention. Does he not pet her enough?
Caleb: I think it’s just getting his attention in general.
Micah: He’s too busy with his Firebolt.
Caleb: No!
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Noah: No, but honestly, it seems like Hedwig is always in a bad, bad mood. Can anybody…
Caleb: No, she’s not.
Noah: …weigh in on…
Caleb: That’s just how she gets his… it’s an affectionate nip.
Kat: No, I think she’s kind of sassy.
Noah: “I think she’s really sassy,” is what I’m trying to say.
Kat: Yeah. I think she just…
Caleb: Okay, well, I’ll go with sassy but I don’t think she’s mad.
Kat: Yeah.
Caleb: I’m all for the sassy.
Noah: Let me collect myself now. Right. Hagrid. So Hedwig has a letter for Harry [and] Ron. It’s actually a letter fom Hagrid. He wants them to visit him. However, they have to make sure that they don’t just go out to Hagrid’s hut. He has to meet them at the main doors, and then he has to walk them down because that’s very important. Hagrid… he’s freaking out. He’s like a mother figure in a way right here, really taking care of Harry and just – in spite of everything – the fact that Sirius got so close. So they go down to Hagrid’s hut, and Hagrid basically tells them that Hermione has come to me and said [that] she’s had it. She’s really upset, and for a while Harry and Ron seem to… they get it. They feel like they’ve done some bad, and they realize that Hermione has been – on top of all of her other work – working for Hagrid’s case about Buckbeak. They completely… both of them had completely forgotten about it for some reason, which I found kind of sad, kind of funny at the same time.
Caleb: Funny?
Micah: Yeah, why was that funny?
Noah: Funny just that… all right, now you’ve put me in an awkward position. Funny because that they just forgot about it, and that in itself is…
Caleb: Because you want Buckbeak to die.
Noah: No.
Kat: Ohh.
Noah: That is a… that is not what you should read from that…
[Prolonged silence]
[Caleb and Noah laugh]
Noah: Guys, it’s not true. I’m not…
Micah: You’ve done something that doesn’t happen very often. You’ve rendered him speechless.
Noah: [laughs] You’ve rendered me speehless.
Caleb: Too focused on those damn Mandrakes that you don’t care about Buckbeak.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Noah: But there’s a…
Micah: But Buckbeak eats Mandrakes.
Kat: Hippogriffs Against Noah Fried!
Noah: No, don’t start that because that might actually happen.
[Kat laughs]
Noah: Someone might actually do that. And Hagrid tells them about how he’s going to get a room on the Knight Bus for him and Buckbeak to go down to the hearing. Did you know that the Knight Bus could make a bed for… is that even possible, or is he just totally off base here?
Caleb: No. No, it’s not. Because it is not going to work. And it made me – reading this – think about the few times that I’ve been on city buses when there are people [who] get on [who] you would rather not be near, and how…
Noah: Hagrid is one of those people.
Caleb: Say what?
Noah: Hagrid is one of those people…
Caleb: Yes.
Noah: …because apparently he’s booked a bed for Buckbeak on the Knight Bus.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Caleb: He is, and it actually more makes me think of the special kind of people I’ve had to be on the Metro with, and it’s just Hagrid is that person that people are like, “Oh, my God. I just hope he doesn’t sit next to me.”
Kat: Why didn’t they just fly there?
[Noah laughs]
Kat: Seriously.
Noah: I don’t think he can fit. I don’t think he can… Buckbeak is a big…
Caleb: Well, there’s that.
Micah: Hagrid is too big for Buckbeak.
Noah: …bird horse.
Caleb: He would ruin his back.
Kat: Oh, that’s true, I suppose.
Caleb: And probably he doesn’t want to… he probably wants to use the least attention-grabbing means of getting there for the sake of the case.
Micah: That’s a good point.
Kat: Sure. I suppose that makes sense.
Caleb: Public appearance.
Noah: Do you think Buckbeak has to wear a suit for court?
Kat: [laughs] No.
Caleb: I hope he dresses better than Hagrid.
[Noah laughs]
Caleb: Because that disgusting attire that he…
Noah: Hagrid has a disgusting suit, apparently.
Caleb: I need to [unintelligible] him up.
Noah: But besides talking about the court, Hagrid also talks to Harry and Ron about the fact that Hermione has been really stressed out and that they should become friends again, to which Harry and Ron say, “Yes. Yes, we should do something like that.” But then as soon as they see her – literally – Ron just starts making comments again, just getting angry right in her face. So it’s kind of begging the question, what was the point of that entire speech if Hagrid is saying you should treat them better, Harry and Ron weren’t listening at all in the first place?
Micah: Yeah. Well, there was also another quote in there that Hagrid made that I thought was kind of interesting.
Noah: Sure.
Micah: And it definitely pertained to him as much as it pertained to Hermione when he said, “People get a bit stupid about their pets.”
Caleb: Yeah.
Micah: It was just an interesting parallel between Hagrid and Hermione, two characters I don’t think you’d often draw comparisons between.
Caleb: That’s a really good point.
Noah: And actually, when Hagrid makes that line, “Buckbeak spits a few ferret bones onto Hagrid’s pillow.”
Caleb: So pleasant.
[Kat laughs]
Micah: Oh, geez.
Noah: Just kind of a funny…
Micah: What is the symbolism there?
Noah: I already did that last week. I can’t do that again.
[Kat laughs]
Noah: We’ve already done too much with other characters.
Micah: So wait, so when Buckbeak changes to Witherwings, is there some…
Kat: Sex change?
Micah: …gender issues there or what?
[Kat and Micah laugh]
Noah: All right, now you guys are reading way too much into this. You’re reading way too much into this, guys. It’s not that easy.
Micah: It’s not that easy for a hippogriff to…
[Micah and Noah laugh]
Micah: Maybe they just have that innate ability. You don’t know.
Noah: To change genders…
Kat: Like those frogs.
Micah: Exactly! Anyway, I’m sorry.
Noah: All right, so Harry goes to Hogsmeade. [laughs]
Caleb: My brain hurts.
[Kat laughs]
Noah: It’s all right, I’ve got a backup. So as we know, the Hogsmeade trip comes up and Harry goes to the statue intent on sneaking past the one-eyed witch and kind of entering the hump. It’s kind of ambiguous how this actually happens. He fits inside the witch’s hump and gets through a tunnel that leads to Honeydukes.
Caleb: [laughs] So much.
Noah: [laughs] Wouldn’t you know… right as he’s about to go in there, Snape shows up and says, “What are you doing, Harry?” And it’s really awkward. Do you think that Snape somehow knew to come here? Is this just happenstance that Snape knew to come here, or was he tipped off maybe? Does he know about the secret entrance?
Kat: Did Lupin maybe tell him?
Caleb: I don’t think Lupin would have ever told him, but he may have caught them a few times around that area.
Micah: When they were younger, you mean?
Caleb: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kat: Hmm, that’s a good thought.
Micah: Yeah, I think he knows something. I mean, there’s definitely a cause for concern on Harry’s part.
Caleb: Yeah, because he… Snape is investigating the statue when Harry walks off. So I think he knows something in that area is probably…
Micah: Yeah, and you have to also wonder as we progress in the series and learn more, how much Snape is actually able to sort of penetrate Harry’s mind…
Caleb: Yeah.
Micah: …and know his thoughts.
Kat: Yeah, I think it happens more often than we think it does.
Caleb: Mhm.
Micah: Yeah.
Noah: Well, I think he’s such an expert Legilimens that he can just [give a] look or just a piercing look, kind of get a glimpse of the thought. Maybe just reading facial expressions…
Caleb: Yeah.
Noah: …to a certain degree. I’ve always thought he had that ability. So Snape comes upon Harry, says, “What are you doing, Harry?” and then Harry has to kind of make that whole case. And then Neville shows up, and Neville actually tries to get Harry to go to the library with him to work on, I believe, is a Potions essay. No, no, it’s an essay about…
Micah: Vampires.
Noah: …vampires.
Caleb: Vampires.
Noah: Correct. And I guess we can go on a whole spiel about how vampires are somehow connected to this chapter, but I don’t think we have the time and I don’t think there is an actual theory there. So I’m going to skip that. Harry ditches Neville completely and goes back to the one-eyed witch and gets through, finds Ron, and they have a really good… they have a really nice day in Honeydukes and the owl post office. That is really cool. Then they go by the Shrieking Shack, looking over it, and we learn that it’s possibly haunted. It’s so haunted that even ghosts can’t go there. Or apparently it’s a rough crowd of ghosts. That was a little ambigious to me. What did you guys make of that?
Caleb: Wait…
Noah: Who lives in the Shrieking Shack? Besides the obvious, that it’s Lupin.
Kat: Well, we don’t know yet that it’s Lupin.
Caleb: I mean, are you asking what we would have thought originally? Like before we know the story? Or…
Noah: I guess that’s what I was thinking of, yeah.
Caleb: Yeah, when I read the first time I just thought that… I don’t know. I didn’t really pay much attention to it, actually, I don’t think. I was just like, “Oh okay, it’s haunted. Let’s get on with the story.” I didn’t really think it was that in tune with the overall plot.
Noah: It was just an interesting line because it says, “Even the Hogwarts ghosts avoid it.” So it challenges you to think, “What seems scarier than a ghost?” It’s like…
Caleb: Right.
Noah: …it’s kind of unfathomable.
Caleb: And this haunted aspect. We get to this in the special feature, but this haunted aspect in a world of magic. Like, how does that even work?
Micah: Yeah. It’s something that we haven’t really experienced before at all in the series, this concept of something being haunted. Because all the ghosts we generally have encountered have been…
Kat: Kind.
Noah: Pretty nice.
Micah: Yeah.
Noah: Yeah. Except for… well, Peeves the poltergiest is more chaos. But…
Caleb: And the Bloody Baron.
Kat: But he’s not a ghost. So…
Noah: But he can be haunting. He can do things… he can become invisible, right?
Kat: Mhm.
Noah: So then as Harry is invisible underneath the cloak at this point, and Ron is just looking at the Shrieking Shack, we hear Draco coming up talking about how his dad… talking about how this hairy moron is trying to defend himself – talking about Hagrid now – and then Draco… this is all in terms of Hagrid in the court, and Draco kind of interprets Hagrid’s words and says, “There’s no ‘arm in ‘im, ‘onest,” which is a really weird thing that Draco says. And then he says, he follows that with saying, “That Hippogriff’s as good as dead.” So his argument is that Hippogriff’s as good as dead because the way Hagrid gives his case is he uses this dialect. And this is just really… clearly Draco is a classist here. He’s being very… he’s coming from a very privileged place, a really dark place. And he hates Hagrid, not only because he’s big and maybe not the smartest but because of his dialect and his class. What do you think of that?
Caleb: Yeah, I don’t know if it’s so much… I don’t think it’s hate, I think it’s what you said at first. I think those are two very different things because it’s very easy to be a classist and look down on others without really even introducing that element of hate.
Kat: Mhm. And he’s so used to being the upper class or the rich, the privileged, that something like that it’s easy for him to look down on.
Caleb: Yeah, it’s just his second nature. His general nature, rather.
Kat: Yeah.
Noah: And as soon as he sees Ron, he says, “I heard your family all sleep in one room – is that true?”
Caleb: Yeah. It’s just like a trigger for him.
Noah: He’s suggesting, “Maybe you should live in the Shrieking Shack.”
Caleb: He always has something like this to say about those people.
Micah: Yeah.
Kat: It’s how he feels powerful, by putting other people down.
Caleb: Right.
Micah: Yeah. I mean, I do think there’s a clear distinction among classes there as far as finances go because he always likes to point out the fact that Ron doesn’t have as much money as he does.
Caleb: Mhm.
Noah: Right. And I guess it’s because he can’t necessarily hit Ron on the blood status thing because the Weasleys are one of the major pureblood families, so he goes for the poverty. Or he goes for the money class aspect.
Micah: Yup.
Kat: Right. I mean, that’s really the only thing that he has on the Weasleys.
Caleb: Yeah.
Noah: Or that they’re blood traitors, maybe. So then Draco is doing this whole spiel, Crabbe and Goyle have completely got his back in their general pose that they do, and then Harry kind of slips behind and throws some mud, splat, onto the back of Draco’s head. And he’s freaking out, they’re all freaking out, and he points and says, “Crabbe or Goyle, go get him!” and he’s pointing not exactly where Harry is. And then Harry just messes with them and trips Goyle or Crabbe and then there’s a lot of splatter, which, in the English major, that’s onomatopoeia when there’s actually a word that is the sound itself. There’s not a lot of that in the Harry Potter books, but occasionally there is [and] I like to make note of it. But eventually, while the fight is going on, it’s very funny, Ron is loving it, the Invisibility Cloak goes off of Harry for an instant, and Draco sees Harry’s face. Then once that happens, Draco instantly runs back and then Harry has to run back full frontal too in the hope of getting back to Hogwarts first. They’re all running, Harry gets back through the one-eyed witch, and then Snape is pretty much right there and grabs him and takes him into his office. And of course, Snape has already heard the story from Draco that I just saw Harry Potter in… not Honeydukes…
Kat: Hogsmeade.
Noah: Hogsmeade. And that is not possible because he’s not allowed in Hogsmeade. So now we get into the real core of the “Snape’s Grudge” chapter because Snape is very emotional in this scene. You don’t normally see him like this and it’s right off the bat. He’s just angry at Harry because he kind of knows what’s going on, but Harry is just so arrogant about it. And then Harry tells Snape to shut up…
Micah: Yeah!
Noah: …which is very…
Micah: Lay the gauntlet down.
Caleb: Yeah, that was pretty badass.
Noah: Yeah. And then Snape is just, “What did you say to me, Potter?” [laughs]
Caleb: And then he hits him. [laughs]
Noah: “I told you…” and then there’s a fight, which is just really bad.
Caleb: [laughs] There’s a physical fight. I wish.
Noah: But then what does happen is Harry throws it back at Snape and says, because this is the old… we all remember this dialogue of, “You strut just like your father.” “My father didn’t strut!” And then Harry throws in, “He saved your life! Dumbledore told me! You wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for my dad!” And then the line, “Snape’s sallow skin had gone the color of sour milk,” which is pretty gross if you’ve ever drank sour milk.
Micah: I don’t usually.
Caleb: I try to avoid…
Noah: Then Snape follows up with this: “‘And did the headmaster tell you the circumstances in which your father saved my life?’ he whispered. ‘Or did he consider the details too unpleasant for precious Potter’s delicate ears?'” And that’s actually… isn’t that true? Did Dumbledore not tell the whole story of how cruel James was to Snape?
Kat: He didn’t. That’s true.
Noah: So there’s a lot of…
Micah: Dammit, Dumbledore.
Caleb: Seriously.
Noah: But it’s for Harry’s own good, in a way. I mean, Harry will learn this stuff in Order of the Phoenix when he reads Snape’s mind.
Kat: Dumbledore’s middle name is “Omission,” let’s be honest. I mean, that’s all he does, is omit the facts.
Micah: We’re adding another middle name? [laughs]
Kat: Yeah, exactly.
Noah: He already has like three of them. I don’t think that’s one of them. [laughs]
Micah: But see, for me in this particular part of the chapter though, I really think that Snape has some legitimate arguments…
Noah: He does. He absolutely does.
Micah: …as it relates to Harry and his rule breaking. And he even references the fact that the Minister of Magic himself, right?, is taking steps to ensure his safety and here is Harry behaving completely recklessly.
Noah: Right.
Kat: Mhm.
Noah: He has very much the same point that Lupin had, which is that your parents died to protect you and this is how you repay it, with just these blind sense of adventure that honestly put your life at risk. So that kind of resonates more with Harry when he gets that message from Lupin. But right here on the question of your father… Harry learns that his father saved Snape’s life. Given the way that it happened, does Snape actually owe James a life debt in this case? Even though James kind of set this in motion with the other Marauders, does Snape also owe James a life debt? And by virtue of the fact that James died, is that life debt transferred over to Harry?
Kat: No, I don’t think so. I don’t think Snape ever owed any life debt to James because it was his stupid prank that was putting him in danger in the first place.
Micah: Yeah, and I think you could argue that he tries to repay it, even if not intentionally.
Kat: Right.
Micah: I would assume that even saving Lily’s life in a way would be redemption for what took place here.
Noah: Yeah.
Micah: You know what I mean?
Caleb: Yeah, I agree.
Micah: Him going and trying to stop Voldemort killing the Potters, I think, was in a way him… not necessarily directly but him repaying James for saving his life. You could argue.
Noah: Yeah. I mean, don’t we know that he’s kind of made his mission in general to protect Harry more than anyone else for Lily? I just wasn’t sure if that was tied to potential life debt for him with James. But that would be interesting if both…
Kat: If anything, the only reason there is any sort of life debt is because he was saving… wanted to save James for Lily. But I don’t see him ever really wanting to do that without her, so…
Caleb: Yeah.
Noah: Right. So they have this very dramatic moment and then Snape asks Harry to turn out his pockets. And in one of his pockets is the Marauder’s Map, which Snape is about to throw into the fire and then Harry is like, “No! No! Don’t do that!” which is a great way to tell Snape… even if he’s not a Legilimens that that is an important piece of paper. Which makes sense.
Micah: [laughs] It’s weird because earlier in the chapter, or actually earlier in this particular scene, it says that Snape’s eyes bore into Harry at one point. So you would think that… he’s already well aware of what’s going on. Maybe not all the specifics, but he’s certainly using his skills to penetrate Harry’s mind.
Caleb: Yeah.
Kat: And I’m betting that he has seen this piece of parchment before in his life.
Caleb: Yup.
Kat: And he could probably guess pretty much what it is.
Caleb: Yeah, he probably has some ideas.
Kat: Yeah.
Noah: Especially when it starts talking to him, first from… who is it? It’s from Moony. “Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape -” this is after Snape taps the map, trying to get it to explain its secrets “- and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people’s business.”
Caleb: Lolz.
Noah: That is written right on the map – it’s really clever we get all the Marauders talking right back at Snape – and then he is just flabbergasted. And he gets so angry that he calls none other than Professor Lupin right out of the fire, which is very effective. He just goes up to the fire, he throws some Floo Powder, and says, “Lupin, I want a word,” and then Lupin just pops in. It’s in a matter of seconds as far as the writing goes, so I wonder: Do they do that often? Just, “Hey man, come over real quick.”
Caleb: No.
Noah: “Pop in.”
Caleb: I’m sorry, what?
Kat: I think in general the fireplaces are used like that at Hogwarts, but not between Snape and Lupin.
Caleb: No.
Kat: I think they avoid each other like the plague. [laughs]
Noah: I know, I was just being funny. It wasn’t that funny.
Kat: No, it wasn’t.
[Caleb laughs]
Noah: But that’s funny. Or maybe it’s not.
Caleb: Ugh.
Noah: Now I’m lost.
Caleb: Too much.
[Noah laughs]
Kat: Sorry.
Noah: But the following conversation is just very… between Lupin and Snape, he… Lupin acts as if he doesn’t know what the map is, but he gives a subtle sign to Harry to just shut up and let him handle it, actually, and he pretty much convinces Snape to let it go. This is actually a joke from Zonko’s Shop, even though it’s very specific to Snape. And it makes sense that he would have heard the words “Prongs…” do you think Snape knew their nicknames, Prongs, Moony, Wormtail?
Caleb: No.
Kat: Probably. I would say yeah. Because don’t they, in Book 5, call each other that when they’re walking out of the Great Hall?
Caleb: I think those names they only use between them, and I don’t think Wormtail would have any reason to tell Voldemort their names. I think only they know those names.
Kat: But I’m pretty sure that they use them in public.
Caleb: Hmm, maybe.
Noah: I think, just from the general tone of the phrases, he might have got a sense of their personalities a little bit. I mean, how much was he ridiculed in childhood? So… and just the fact that he’s getting this from Harry, the son of one of those Marauders, this is a very intense scene for Snape, really humiliating for him.
Micah: Yeah.
Noah: In a way. And Harry is not even an agent in it and yet he is kind of participating in this bashing from the grave, if you will.
Kat: Yeah, he has no idea what’s going on.
Noah: Yeah. And I know we talked a bit about it, but do we think that there’s… we don’t have to go into detail about how the map works, but this fact that it can talk, how much could it continue to talk to Snape after this has been going on? Could he have full-fledged conversations, or would it just be continuous jokes?
Kat: No, no.
Noah: Explain.
Kat: No.
[Caleb and Micah laugh]
Noah: You’re not going to explain any further than that?
Kat: [laughs] No, we’ve already talked about this so much at length. The map can’t learn anything new that it doesn’t already know. Yes, it says stuff to Snape, but that’s because the makers of the map knew Snape. I don’t think some random ho-hum person could pick it up, try to read it, and it would say this.
Micah: Yeah.
Noah: Well, here’s the thing. Lupin is suspicious that… when he takes Harry aside and says that “you shouldn’t have this map again,” he says he should be careful because “these map makers would have wanted to lure you out of the school. They’d think it extremely entertaining.” So in some way, are they… we already talked about this, are they living inside the map?
Caleb: Their personalities when they created it in a sense are, but not them.
Kat: Right.
Noah: Not them exactly.
Kat: It’s kind of… again, I know we compared it to the Sorting Hat, where there’s a bit of their personality in there, but it’s completely different because with the Sorting Hat, you can interact with it, have a conversation with it.
Caleb: Yeah.
Kat: You can’t do that with the Marauder’s Map.
Caleb: Because those founders were much more gifted wizards and witches than the Marauders.
Kat: Right.
Noah: Yup. So once Lupin confiscates the Marauder’s Map… or no, he doesn’t confiscate it, he just says, “I don’t want to see you with it again.”
Caleb: No, he takes it.
Kat: He takes it.
Caleb: He says, “I’m not going to give it back.”
Noah: Right. And that actually helps him because then he’s able to find a very peculiar name on it, which allows him to do some other things. He says to Harry, “‘Don’t expect me to cover up for you again. I cannot make you take Sirius Black seriously. But I would have thought that what you have heard when the Dementors draw near you would have had more of an effect on you. Your parents gave their lives to keep you alive, Harry. A poor way to repay them – gambling their sacrifice for a bag of magic tricks.’ He walked away, leaving Harry feeling worse by far than he had at any point in Snape’s office.” That was very sad.
Micah: Yeah. I was just going to add, I think it’s really important that Hermione is not around during any of this…
Noah: Mhm.
Micah: …because I feel like she would have figured a lot of this out.
Caleb: Yeah.
Kat: Oh, yeah. Absolutely. For being…
Caleb: Which happens so much, right? The same thing happened in the previous book. She figured out about the pipes and the Basilisk, but she’s suddenly Petrified.
Kat: Right.
Micah: Yup.
Caleb: Ugh, it’s annoying.
Noah: But again, that about gets sort of towards the end of the chapter. Oh wait, no, Buckbeak is sentenced to death. That is…
[Caleb laughs]
Kat: Here you go, not thinking about the hippogriffs again!
Noah: Whoa, this is in terms of the execution. If anything, it’s just terrible.
Kat: Hippogriffs Against Noah Fried.
Caleb: That’s it, I’m rallying up the hippogriffs to come stomp on your Mandrakes and see how much you like it then.
Kat: That’s right.
Noah: No, no, no, no, the Mandrakes have not…
Kat: Wait, I’m making the Twitter right now. I’m just kidding.
Noah: No, no, wait…
Kat: [laughs] I’m just kidding, I’m not.
Caleb: We ain’t got time for that.
Noah: Ain’t nobody got time for that? [laughs]
Caleb: No.
[Kat laughs]
Noah: So they find Hermione, and Ron and Harry initially suspect that she’s going to get really angry at them, that she told McGonagall that Harry did all this and that he’ll maybe lose more points for Gryffindor. So Ron says, “Come to have a good gloat?” But Hermione’s like, “No.” She’s holding a letter in her hands, her lip is trembling. “I just thought you ought to know… Hagrid lost his case. Buckbeak is going to be executed.” And that raises a whole lot of questions in terms of… I talk about animal abuse on the show a lot. Is Buckbeak really morally responsible in this case for what he has done as an animal? How do you sentence a creature to just die? The entire thing is kind of weird. But it’s just great to see that this is yet another reason what brings the trio together because after this moment they’re not going to be fighting anymore… for a bit. The travesty sort of brings them together. Kind of like the troll, in a way, but this is a little bit more heavy.
Kat: Yeah. How do you sentence something that can’t defend itself?
Caleb: Well, the magical folk are not very rights-oriented people.
Kat: Yeah.
Noah: Yeah, this will spawn in Hermione a need to change political policies. I believe she does.
Kat: Yeah, she becomes a lawyer. Yeah.
Noah: And I think she creates a policy that’s forward for house-elves and creatures and the like.
Kat: Mhm. Yeah.
Noah: And that’s just great.
Caleb: Right.
Kat: But she loses her first case. She must be a sucky lawyer.
Noah: Loses her first case. Well, in this case Hagrid was his own lawyer. And as Draco pointed out, no one was going to understand him anyway.
Kat: Ooh. Noah, that’s mean.
Noah: That’s really mean. Hagrid, you’re a great guy. Don’t… that’s not true.
Caleb: Hagrid not happy.
Micah: Well, isn’t Dumbledore there as well during this trial?
Kat: Is he?
Caleb: I don’t know.
Noah: Ooh.
Micah: Or am I making that up?
Caleb: I don’t think it’s ever said.
Noah: He’s there for Harry.
Micah: Or no, he’s just there for the execution itself, right?
Caleb: Right. Yeah.
Kat: I think so.
Micah: So yeah, I mean I don’t really see Hagrid as somebody who can strongly argue a case one way or another, unfortunately for him. So you’d almost think that the school would have some sort of representative that would go down with him. I know Hogwarts doesn’t have a lawyer on retainer, but…
[Kat laughs]
Micah: …you know what I mean? [laughs]
Noah: Yeah, that was a nicer way of putting what I was trying to say. And then Buckbeak certainly can’t defend himself.
Micah: Right. You’re leaving him subject to the financial resources and influence of Lucius Malfoy.
Noah: Right. And that’s probably ultimately why the case is settled that way anyway because Malfoy has huge swing and he’s paying them off. But yeah, that’s the end of the chapter. I hope Buckbeak survives.
Micah: Not really.
Noah: I really don’t know.
Kat: No, yeah, we know you don’t.
Caleb: Lies. You hate… you lost that.
Noah: [laughs] I don’t hate hippogriffs. How did this start?
Caleb: All right, so we’re going to do our special feature for this week.
[“What If?” intro begins]
Michael: What If?
Harry: But, Professor Dumbledore, what if the Sorting Hat had put me in Slytherin?
Dumbledore: It is our choices, Harry, that show who we truly are.
[“What If?” intro ends]
Caleb: Right. What if, indeed. So this week we have a couple of our own “What If?” questions that we’re going to briefly discuss, but not too in-depth because we want to hear you guys’ opinions and then also toss it to you guys to send us some of your “What If?” questions for what takes place in this chapter. So the first “What If?” question is, what if Crookshanks had indeed eaten Scabbers? Nom, nom, nom.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Micah: I thought Crookshanks was vegetarian.
Caleb: Is he?
Noah: Whoa.
Kat: Wait, that’s a joke, right?
Micah: Yeah, it’s a joke.
Kat: Okay.
[Everyone laughs]
Kat: I was like, “What?!”
Noah: Mind blown, that’s ridiculous. How did you know that, Micah?
Kat: Especially since you’ve never… I mean, this is the first time you’ve read the books.
[Caleb laughs]
Micah: I think if the level of detail about Crookshanks was ever revealed to include the fact that the cat was vegetarian, it would be time to move on to something else.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Kat: Right. That’s true.
Caleb: Yup.
Kat: Okay, so I guess what I think of when I read this question is, what would have happened to Peter Pettigrew? Did Crookshanks just eat a person?
Noah: Then Voldemort wouldn’t have been restored.
Caleb: What happens if he transforms while he’s being digested?
Kat: Oh, my God!
Caleb: And then Crookshanks explodes!
[Everyone laughs]
Noah: I think there’s an episode title there.
Kat: No, no, no, that’s like… that’s a legit question. This is like…
Noah: That’s a legit question, what would happen? What would happen?
Kat: This is like Desk!Pig all over again. Like, can it transform in your stomach?
Caleb: Well, if Crookshanks kills him with the first bite, then no mas, he’s gone.
Kat: Right.
Noah: He’s just a rat.
Caleb: He’s a rat.
Kat: But if he swallows him whole, like a snake would…
Noah: Ooh.
Caleb: Yeah, but I think that’s got to take some chewing. Like, cats can just swallow rats whole.
[Noah laughs]
Kat: No, that’s true. And he is a big rat too, right?
Caleb: Yeah.
Noah: Can you just imagine that? Can you just imagine if Crookshanks swallows Peter Pettigrew and then he just like…
Caleb: Licks his lips…
Kat: [laughs] Oh, my God.
Caleb: …for satisfaction.
Noah: …bursts out. Woopla!
Kat: Hermione would be so sad. Because not only did Crookshanks blow up, but her ginger furry Ron blew up.
Caleb: Yeah, but…
Noah: If you’re going to make that connection. I don’t know if I agree with that connection.
Caleb: So if that happens, though… but I’m thinking more like down the line. If he gets eaten, then there’s really no way to know the truth of what happens. Except I guess Sirius and Remus would get together and tell Harry… I don’t know. There’s not that confrontation that happens in the Shrieking Shack.
Kat: But that’s okay because…
Noah: No, Peter Pettigrew hadn’t been found.
Kat: …Crookshanks just ate a person. He would be the first cat ever to eat a person.
Caleb: Right, but I’m more thinking…
[Kat laughs]
Noah: But the thing is if Peter Pettigrew wasn’t found as evidence to bring, then the wizarding world would still be after Sirius Black. I mean, indeed they are because they don’t necessarily find…
Caleb: Yeah.
Noah: …Peter because he escapes.
Caleb: Yeah, they would… Sirius is never really exonerated, so…
Noah: For Lupin he is.
Micah: Well, also the other side of it is Voldemort never returns.
Caleb: Right.
Noah: Right.
Caleb: Because he doesn’t get the… whatever it is of the servant.
Kat: His servant doesn’t return to him.
Caleb: Yeah.
Kat: Right.
Micah: Why didn’t Crookshanks just eat the damn rat? [laughs] It would have saved them all.
Kat: Damn you, Crookshanks! This is all his fault.
Caleb: Or would just someone have replaced Pettigrew as that servant to get something?
Micah: It’s possible, yeah.
Noah: But then Ron and Hermione… they would never have been able to get together. It would have been like Harry and Hermione, or something.
Caleb: Which I would have…
Kat: Oh God, do not start that! Don’t give the shippers any ideas.
Caleb: Which the twelve- or thirteen-year-old, fifteen-year-old, whatever, reader in me of reading the series would have been very happy about since I was Harry/Hermione.
Noah: The 22-year-old reader is always happy about that.
Kat: Are you really only 22? I always forget.
Caleb: Gross.
Kat: You’re young.
Noah: Only? [laughs]
Caleb: So I think that question has a very big rippling effect that happens.
Kat: It does, but it’s a hilarious question.
Caleb: Yeah. Right. All right, so our next “What If?” question is, what if Harry got caught in Hogsmeade before making an escape? Like after Malfoy sees him.
Noah: Ooh.
Micah: Well, he kind of was. Oh, you mean in Hogsmeade itself.
Caleb: I mean like he gets caught before sneaking back to Hogwarts. They catch him.
Micah: Like he runs into the basement of Honeydukes and trips over McGonagall and Lee…
Kat: [laughs] Oh, God!
Micah: …and is caught by his…
Caleb: You are not going to ever let this down!
[Everyone laughs]
Caleb: I kind of love it. I hate it, but I love it.
Noah: It’s not a good couple. I don’t think they’d work well together. I mean, the screaming… McGonagall doesn’t scream at anybody else. That’s because she’s so passionate.
Micah: She would scream, though.
Caleb: No!
[Everybody laughs]
Noah: Yes.
Kat: Whoa.
Caleb: Okay, well…
Micah: You think she would transform into a cat? All right, that’s weird.
[Noah laughs]
Caleb: So back to the whole “What If?” question…
Noah: That is the best. This is the best.
Caleb: If he gets caught, what do we think his punishment would have been?
Kat: Off with his head.
Caleb: Expulsion?
Kat: No, I don’t…
Noah: Fifty points each from Gryffindor.
Caleb: Would Harry…
Kat: [laughs] No, it would have been five points from Gryffindor.
Caleb: Yeah. Would Harry… so I started to say he would get expelled. But it actually made me think, is there actually anything that would make Harry Potter get expelled?
Kat: No. Especially not now with Sirius Black on the loose.
Caleb: Right.
Noah: Who’s going to expel Harry Potter?
Caleb: He’s always going to have that special treatment. Whereas a normal student, if they had broken that many rules up to this point like Harry has and then does this, my bet is they get expelled. But Harry Potter doesn’t.
Micah: Yeah.
Noah: Mhm.
Kat: Oh, Hogwarts is bad.
Micah: And it jeopardizes the Invisibility Cloak for him as well. I mean, nobody knows he has it really, right?
Caleb: Right.
Micah: Aside from a select few people.
Kat: Right.
Micah: So not only would he probably lose the map, but he would also lose the Invisibility Cloak. Both of those items play in so significantly throughout the course of the series.
Noah: True, man.
Caleb: All right. Next question, which we alluded to earlier: What if the Shrieking Shack was actually haunted? And sort of a spin-off: What might it actually be haunted by?
Micah: The shrieking is actually McGonagall.
Caleb: Oh, my God.
[Noah laughs]
Kat: Oh, my God! It’s Lee and McGonagall’s love shack.
Micah: It’s a love shack. It’s not a shrieking shack.
Kat: That’s it.
Caleb: When I talk to my home girl later, I’m going to have to tell her to just not listen to this episode because…
[Kat laughs]
Noah: All right, this isn’t fair because if I had entertained this, it wouldn’t fly at all.
[Micah laughs]
Noah: But because it’s Micah, it’s totally fine.
Kat: That’s not…
Micah: It’s all about the delivery.
Caleb: What? I say it’s not fine!
Kat: Caleb disagrees.
Noah: It is about the delivery. That’s true.
Caleb: Ugh, gross.
Noah: Shrieking Shack, what about a banshee? What if it was a banshee in there?
Caleb: Yeah, I was thinking about that too.
Micah: It’s a good call.
Noah: Those are pretty scary. Or maybe like a superghost.
Micah: Yeah, I mean, we don’t really see apparitions in the Potter world that are scary. I mean, everything is more monster or Voldemort thing. You know what I mean? Or I guess, in a way, human.
Kat: Right.
Micah: It’s not… we don’t sort of have that other side to things.
Caleb: Yeah.
Noah: Yeah, ghosts are definitely humanized.
Kat: Do Necromancers exist in this world?
Noah: An Necromancer.
Caleb: That just made me think of The Hobbit.
Noah: Yeah, me too. Wrong series.
Caleb: No, it’s not necessarily the wrong series but it just made me think of it.
[Noah laughs]
Caleb: Maybe. That would be kind of cool. Maybe that’s the topic of the next books that she’ll write because she’s going to write more.
Kat: Yeah. Right.
Noah: Are you sure?
Caleb: Yes. We talked about this last time, how every time she has to respond to the question, it’s slightly less strict in her response of no. She eases off a little bit more every time. It’s like Hillary Clinton running for president. It’s going to happen.
Noah: Yeah?
Kat: Well, that one is inevitable. But that’s another show.
[Caleb laughs]
Noah: That is totally another show.
Caleb: I will start that show. Can I start that show? [laughs] Okay.
Kat: Yeah.
Caleb: Sorry.
Noah: Yeah.
Caleb: All right, so we say banshee, a superghost, a Necromancer…
[Noah laughs]
Kat: Yeah. [laughs]
Caleb: …or as Micah says…
Noah: Maybe a sphinx.
Kat: Lee and McGonagall.
Micah: What did I say? I don’t know what you’re talking about. I didn’t say anything.
Noah: Yeah.
Kat: I think that needs to be a shirt.
Noah: No! No, guys. Guys.
Caleb: I will be so hurt.
Noah: We can do so much better than Lee and McGonagall on a t-shirt.
Kat: [laughs] I don’t know…
Noah: Can’t we? [laughs]
Caleb: OTP! Ugh.
[Noah laughs]
Kat: OTP?
Caleb: One true pairing?
Kat: Oh, oh. Sorry, I don’t… I’m old. I don’t know netspeak.
Micah: Yeah.
Noah: I don’t ship…
Caleb: What? That’s such a general fandom thing.
Micah: Yeah, I didn’t know what that meant.
Kat: Oh, you didn’t get it either, Micah?
Micah: No, I didn’t.
Kat: Good, I don’t feel so bad.
Micah: Maybe it’s because we’re old.
Caleb: All of you got… not true Harry Potter fans! Over it. Are you serious? You’ve never seen the acronymn OTP?
Micah: No.
Kat: Mm-mm.
Caleb: Oh, my God. Well…
Micah: Is that like YOLO?
Caleb: No. Over that.
Noah: [laughs] For Potter fans, our MuggleNet fan community.
Caleb: Potter fans, people listening to the show, please come back and tell me that OTP is a big thing. Especially in the Harry Potter fandom.
Kat: Wait. All right, I want to admit something. So for the longest time, I thought that FTW…
Caleb: For the win.
Micah: Mhm.
Kat: If you say it backwards, like “What the F?”
Micah: Yeah.
Kat: I thought it was like “F the what.”
[Caleb laughs]
Noah: Ha.
Kat: [laughs] I had no idea what it meant. And finally…
Caleb: I mean, it can be that.
Kat: …someone wrote it in an email and I read it out loud, I was like, “This makes no sense.” So I Urban Dictionary-ed it, and now I’m up. I get it. I’m cool now.
Noah: Except no one uses FTW anymore.
Kat: All right, whatever.
Noah: Yeah. Sorry.
Kat: It’s okay.
Caleb: Yeah. Okay, so our last “What If? question is: What if Snape had burned the map? Either maybe right before or right as Lupin walked in.
Noah: Can you just imagine the look on Snape’s face? Just take this, Lupin.
Caleb: Yeah.
Noah: Burning it.
Kat: Yeah, I think Lupin would have actually kind of lost his composure for a minute there.
Caleb: Yeah.
Kat: I can only imagine the amount of…
Micah: Would the map have burned though?
Kat: …work that went into that? I’m sorry, Micah. What?
Micah: Do you think it would have burned or do you think there’s some sort of protective spells on it?
Noah: I feel like if they went to the detail, like putting their essences inside it so that it can tell jokes, they probably put on a fireproof spell.
Caleb: See, I was thinking the opposite. Because they focused so much on that aspect of the magic, that part wasn’t focused on as much.
Kat: But if we are to compare it to a Horcrux, like we did on last week’s special feature…
Noah: Sure, minus the death sacrifice.
Kat: Right, right. Of course.
Caleb: Or maybe with it.
Kat: [laughs] Right?
[Noah laughs]
Kat: So maybe there’s only certain things that can destroy it. But we do know that fire – certain kinds of fire – can destroy a Horcrux.
Caleb: Fiendfyre.
Kat: Right. So I think it would have burned.
Noah: It raises an interesting question. Do you think it’s possible that the Marauders wanted to harvest Snape’s soul for a Horcrux?
Kat: No.
Micah: [laughs] No.
Noah: [laughs] That was a terrible question.
Kat: I think it would have burned up in flames.
Noah: No part of that is serious. They would never do that. They’re great guys. They bully, but they wouldn’t make Horcruxes.
Micah: Yeah.
Caleb: Right.
Noah: Yeah, I don’t know about that. I think the map is probably indestructible on many levels. They put their heart and souls in this thing. Maybe not too much their souls.
Kat: I don’t think you can call it indestructible. Look at how few things in the Potterverse are actually indestructible. The Hallows, except for if you go by movie canon, which is ridiculous…
[Noah laughs]
Kat: …and Horcruxes. And even then, they’re not completely indestructible.
Noah: True.
Kat: Pretty much anything in the Potterverse can be destroyed somehow. Even souls.
Micah: Yeah.
Noah: True.
Kat: I think the spell that they would have to put on this thing to make it infallible or indestructible would be well beyond whatever here they made it in.
Noah: Is it really, though? Because they’re really smart. I mean, they’re all Animaguses. That is highly complex magic, Transfiguration.
Kat: Yeah, I view them more as the Fred and George type. Just highly clever, not necessarily book smart. They apply their IQ or…
Micah: Well, Lupin.
Noah: Yeah, Lupin.
Micah: You could probably argue him being book smart.
Kat: Well, that’s true. I would concur with that. But the other three of them, not so much.
Noah: All right, guys, are we ready for the Podcast Question of the Week?
Kat: Sure.
Micah: Hell yeah.
Noah: Well, that’s… you’re excited. All right, cool. Okay, so Crabbe and Goyle, we didn’t talk about this too much but there was another classic scene in the last chapter that I covered where there was a little fight between Crabbe, Goyle, Draco, and Harry, invisible Harry. And basically, once again, Malfoy uses Crabbe and Goyle just, “Go here, go there, fight him, do that!” And they don’t seem to… the word “stupid” is used pretty loosely to describe them whenever Harry is kind of interacting with them. So my big question is: What is the point, the literary function, of Crabbe and Goyle in the series? What do they represent in the books? Is it possible that there’s more depth to these characters that maybe Jo has hidden along the way? Or are they purely just bullies that are non-important? That is my question, I’m sticking to it.
Kat: That’s a good question.
Micah: I think they’re just the traditional sidekicks to the villain, even though Draco could be argued as not necessarily a villain by the end of the story. But I think, you know, they’re just… they’re sidekicks.
Noah: It’s like a gangster kind of thing, right?
Micah: Yeah, yeah, and generally speaking, those types of characters are always subject to being seen as less intelligent, even though one of them is able to cast a spell like Fiendfyre later on in the series, but I just feel like… I would say they’re there for comic relief, but obviously that falls more to Fred and George, but I feel like comic relief at the expense of a lot of other characters.
Noah: Right.
Micah: You know, they’re subject to being hit in the face with mud, or have all these other things happen to them throughout the course of the series.
Noah: Right. And kind of one of the unfortunate things is that all the people who identify themselves with the Slytherin House at the end of the Harry Potter series, you can call yourself a Slytherin and say that you recognize Snape or Draco, what do you do about Crabbe and Goyle, who are also Slytherin, in your house and they and maybe Flint, they just put out a really bad rep for the Slytherin House? What do you do with that? Why are they here?
Kat: How do you justify, right, being proud of being a Slytherin when they’re in the house? I get it. I know what you mean.
Noah: Yeah.
Micah: They’re very Dudley-like for most of the series. I would draw a comparison between them and Dudley.
Noah: Absolutely.
Micah: From a bullying standpoint.
Noah: Well, I think Dudley has his own goons, though. He’s the leader of his own squad, so he’s more like Malfoy.
Kat: Big D.
Noah: Hey, Big D!
Kat: [laughs] Cool. Well, that’s a good question. I can’t wait to hear what the fans have to say.
Noah: Sweet.
Caleb: All right. Well, actually, before we thank Micah for being on the show, I have a quick question that I actually thought about through the show. I don’t know if you… so on Game of Owns, have you guys ever talked… I mean, because I know all of you on the show are Harry Potter fans, have you ever talked about the matchups or contrasts between the houses of Westeros and the houses of Hogwarts?
Noah: Ooh.
Micah: No, I mean, we’ve gone through the traditional, you know, what house would you belong to…
Caleb: Okay.
Micah: …or sort of pledge your loyalty to, if you were in sort of that world of Westeros, similar to what house you would be sorted into if you were at Hogwarts.
Caleb: Gotcha.
Noah: So a lot of people said that Game of Thrones has, like, vast moral complexity and I’ve gotten through the first four books, and I plan to keep going. But just to put you on the spot, Micah, which series would you say has more depth, maybe – Harry Potter or Game of Thrones? And I know that’s a very precarious thing to say on a Harry Potter podcast, but I’m interested to hear what you think.
Micah: More depth?
Noah: Yeah.
Micah: Well, just because most of the books in the Song of Ice and Fire are roughly 1,500 pages long… no, I’m not going to argue from that standpoint.
Noah: That’s more girth.
Micah: Yeah, yeah. No, you’re right. I think it depends how you want to look at it because clearly we’re sitting here talking about Potter and talking about it in depth. [laughs] I mean, just some of the topics that have come up on this show… I think you can really look at both series as being extremely deep. I think the difference is there’s a lot more mature themes in A Song of Ice and Fire. I mean, there are certain things that you can pull out of Potter as well. You can talk about war, you can talk about government influence, you can talk about the press being corrupt. The key difference – and I guess I’ll end on this point – is that what I think Martin is able to do, which is unlike anything I’ve ever read before, is that you’re coming… you’re reading from the character’s perspective – multiple characters’ perspectives – so that gives you much deeper insight into the mind of the character and what they’re experiencing and how they see other characters, as opposed to what you get in Potter, which is just from Harry’s perspective.
Caleb: So which house do you… when you said you guys picked which house you think you would most likely be in, which one did you say?
Micah: I went with Stark.
Caleb: Okay.
Noah: Nice.
Micah: [laughs] Was that an agreement? A disagreement?
Caleb: I think it makes sense.
Noah: I mean, the Starks are just generally…
Caleb: See, I don’t see the Starks as Gryffindors. So I don’t think there’s really Gryffindor in the series. I think there are characters who are Gryffindors, so…
Noah: But they’re clearly set up as the good guys.
Caleb: No. I…
Noah: For the people who are…
Caleb: You said you’ve read four of the books?
Noah: Yes.
Caleb: I mean, I guess they are more than most of the families but they’re not…
Noah: They’re your home characters… but aren’t they your home characters? You’re reading from the Starks’ point… at least in the beginning, they’re like the… they’re the mains. You want to support them. You want to support… I’m not going to spoil stuff, but…
Caleb: Yeah. Well, on that note, thanks so much Micah for joining us, for bringing your insight and your… I guess I’ll forgive you for…
Kat: Awesomeness.
Noah: Even though you haven’t read Harry Potter before.
Caleb: …digging on my homegirl, Minerva.
Micah: [laughs] No, I mean, I really appreciate it. It’s fun coming on and talking with you guys. It’s actually the first time I’ve done two Potter podcasts in a week, probably since… I don’t even know. Back when…
Noah: 2004.
Micah: …MuggleCast was chugging along. So I really appreciate the opportunity to come on. It’s been a lot of fun.
Kat: Good, so come back and join us another time then for sure.
Micah: Yeah. So if you want to hear more about the kind of banter that just went on between myself and Noah and Caleb, there is a Game of Thrones podcast that I do called Game of Owns. And you can find out all the info you need to by going to GameofOwns.com or we’re on Twitter at @GameofOwns. We just actually partnered with a pretty big Game of Thrones website called WinterisComing.net so if you want to check out our podcast you can do so through their website as well. And it’s also available on iTunes, as are most podcasts.
Kat: Cool, very good. Right. And if any of you out there listening want to be a guest on the show, as always you know you can email us a clip of yourself analyzing part of the book to alohomorapodcast at gmail dot com. And as always, remember that you need appropriate audio and recording equipment. And you can also submit content on the Alohomora! website and we just may read your comment on the show.
Micah: Yeah, if I can submit my audio and get on the show, then anybody can. Right?
[Caleb laughs]
Kat: Absolutely. You’ve got it.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Caleb: Make sure you’re following us on the many outlets we have. Twitter, @AlohomoraMN, Facebook.com/OpenTheDumbldore. You can call and leave us a voicemail at 206-GO-ALBUS, that’s 206-462-5287. Our main website, Alohomora.MuggleNet.com, and our main email, alohomorapodcast at gmail dot com. And don’t forget to subscribe to us on iTunes and leave us some feedback there.
Micah: And who came up with “Open the Dumbledore”?
Noah: That was my friend, Joel. He’s actually here. He’s downstairs.
[Micah laughs]
Noah: I don’t know, it’s sort of an interesting phrase. He’s Dumbledore, there’s a door that you go through, and it’s like Dumbledore is this intelligent guy. There’s nothing to read into that, whatsoever.
[Micah laughs]
Kat: Well, I mean there is a little bit. There’s many connotations of what it means.
Noah: There are many interpretations of anything. That’s the great thing about art and about stuff. So you know, we also have the Alohomora! store, and you can go get our t-shirts right there. And not only regular t-shirts, you can get sweatshirts, you can get some merchandise that we have with all of the Alohomora! logos on them, individual host shirts that sort of capture the slogans of each host. Rosie’s is “Hug Me! I’m a Hufflepuff.” And who doesn’t want to hug a Hufflepuff? Me, as a Hufflepuff, saying that.
Micah: You would want to hug a badger? I feel like that’s a dangerous…
[Kat laughs]
Noah: It’s dangerous but some people like to live on the edge. And I choose to surround myself with those people. Anyway, go to that site, go find those shirts. And also looking for Mandrake Liberation Front designs. If you have any ideas for original content, send those to me, or there are so many ways you can get in touch with us but just email me at noah at staff dot mugglenet dot com with your Mandrake designs and maybe we’ll add a Mandrake Liberation Front logo up there.
Kat: Just remember: the abbreviation for that is MLF, not MILF. Just throwing that out there.
Noah: It’s MLF. That’s right.
Kat: Exactly. And as you…
Micah: What about… sorry, I didn’t mean to cut you off. [laughs]
Kat: It’s okay. Go ahead.
Micah: What if you make it Mandrake International Liberation Front?
Caleb: No!
Noah: Ooh.
Kat: Oh, my God. No ideas, Micah.
Noah: [laughs] That’s… you know what? We’re going to have to hook up with the Mandrakes at [pronounces as “Boobatons”] Beauxbatons.
Kat: [pronounces as “Boobatons”] Beauxbatons?
Micah: [laughs] [pronounces as “Boobatons”] Beauxbatons?
Caleb: God, get your life together. Do you know this series or not?
[Micah and Noah laugh]
Noah: Well, how do you say it? What’s the pronunciation?
Caleb: Beauxbatons.
Micah: That’s perfect. I love it.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Micah: But I did give you another idea for a t-shirt though. I hope you guys utilize that…
Caleb: Oh, my God.
Micah: …in the future. I won’t collect any royalties off of it.
Kat: I think if the fans give us some positive feedback, there’s going to… it’s going to happen. It’s going to happen. But guys, just one more time, we want to remind you about our app. Don’t forget that’s available in the US for iPhone and Android, and in the UK on iPhone only. It’s $1.99 or 99p. And that has all sorts of great things, like host vlogs, transcripts for the episodes, bloopers, alternate endings, and so much more. So check that out.
Micah: Alternate endings?
Kat: Mhm. After this bit, after we do our outros and the theme music plays, there’s always a little blooper, and sometimes – like this episode – there’s going to be a lot of them.
[Micah laughs]
Caleb: Yeah.
Micah: I can’t imagine why.
Kat: Yeah. So we post those in the app for people to listen to.
Micah: That’s awesome!
Kat: And they’re funny. There’s… it’s usually us kind of joking around and messing about, telling jokes or whatever, but…
Noah: We’re so clever.
Caleb: And you should go back and watch the vlog from last episode because I get a little scary.
Kat: You do, actually.
Caleb: In a funny way.
Kat: It’s pretty great, yeah.
[Caleb laughs]
Noah: Well, that sounds interesting. I need to see it. Well, that about wraps up this episode of Alohomora! Please join us next week for Episode 27.
[Show music begins]
Noah: I’m Noah Fried.
Caleb: I’m Caleb Graves.
Kat: And I’m Kat Miller. Thank you for listening to Episode 26 of Alohomora!
Noah: Open the Dumbledore!
[Show music continues]
Noah: Well, that’s the thing. I’m still pretty sure that if you… you can’t become a ghost once the Dementor’s Kiss has been performed on you. Your soul is gone. I think you need some sort of soul to be in the playing field for you to even come back as a ghost.
[Prolonged silence]
Noah: You guys are all gone, aren’t you? Oh my goodness, I’ve been talking this entire time.
Kat: Wait…
Noah: This is weird.
Kat: We can’t hear you at all, so check your internet or something.
Noah: I will just keep talking, keep talking. Oh no, I was getting so into it. No! That’s terrible!
Kat: You guys can hear me, right?
Micah: Yeah.
Kat: Okay.
Micah: I don’t know. Caleb, are you there?
Caleb: Yeah, yeah.
[Prolonged silence]
Kat: …realm you’re saying? So to say?
Noah: Right, in the realm of living in dead world.
Caleb: What’s happening? [laughs]
Micah: I don’t know.
[Caleb laughs]
Kat: Apparently his internet sucks.
Noah: It does.
Caleb: Oh God, this is the most [censored] up episode!
Noah: Yeah. [laughs]
Kat: We’re like ten, fifteen minutes into it, and we’ve been recording for almost an hour.
Noah: Wait, but my… can you hear me?
Micah: Sorry, Noah. Try again. [laughs]
Noah: No!
Caleb: Clearly, Micah has brought bad karma on the episode. [laughs]
Kat: Oh no!
Noah: No!
Kat: It’s because he hasn’t read the books. What the hell? Noah?
Noah: Can you hear me?
Kat: Yeah.
Noah: Okay.
Micah: Now we can.
Noah: What’s happening? Am I breaking up?
Kat: You sound like [censored].
Caleb: Yeah, your quality is really bad.
Noah: My recording… I think it’s recording fine.
Caleb: Now you’re fine.
Micah: It’s just the connection.
Kat: That sounds better. Just stay close.
Noah: So basically, is what I’m asking you guys, is it possible to come back as a ghost after the Dementor’s Kiss has been performed? I don’t think so.
Caleb: No, I don’t think so either.
Kat: So they all take a moment to remember and pay tribute to Scabbers’ finest moments, including when he bit Goyle.
[Caleb laughs]
Kat: I thought we could just have a moment of reflection for poor Scabbers.
Noah: Oh, I thought it was going to be a reflection for Goyle, who…
Caleb: Ugh, no.
Kat: Oh, we don’t care about Goyle.
Caleb: He’s ugly. Anyway, so I thought it was really funny…
[Noah laughs]
Caleb: I thought it was really funny the way he asks…
[Phone rings in the background]
Caleb: Why is my phone making noises? Anyway…
[Kat laughs]
Micah: It’s Goyle.
Caleb: Yeah, it’s Goyle.
[Noah laughs]
Caleb: No, I can’t… I need to find it. I don’t have the page on me, but the way that they bring it up and Ron’s like, “Yeah, I remember that.” [laughs] It’s just this really funny moment, it’s the significant point that they’re nostalgically remembering.
Kat: Exactly. [laughs]
Noah: As to what Micah was saying, later in this chapter Penelope Clearwater will come over to the table just to hold Harry’s… “Can I hold your broom, Harry?” She’ll hold it and be like, “Thanks, Harry.”
Caleb: Okay…
[Micah laughs]
Kat: Yeah, yeah. Let me get there. Let me get there, Noah.
Caleb: God, you’re so excited to talk about that.
Kat: [laughs] He totally is.
Noah: It’s this entire chapter. Half of this chapter is, “Your Firebolt is amazing, Harry.” Everyone is saying…
Kat: I’m glad I have the chapter then and not…
Noah: Harry’s having the time of his life.
Kat: Shut up!
Noah: Okay.
[Prolonged silence]
Noah: Let me just pull to the right page. Everyone take a stretch break, compulsory between chapters.
Kat: I need a piece of chocolate.
Noah: All right.
Caleb: Ugh, I want M&M’s.
[Kat laughs]
Noah: What do you all want?
Kat: I don’t have any M&M’s. I have Cadbury Mini Eggs. Those are my drug of choice this time of year.
Noah: You guys ready?
Kat: Yup.
Micah: Sure.
[Prolonged silence]
Micah: Oh, geez.
Caleb: Nope, nope.
Noah: I’m not going to even go there.
Micah: His last name is Black. I mean, there you go.
Kat: Oh, my God!
[Noah laughs]
Caleb: No! No! Cut it! Ahh!
Noah: It’s not even me. It’s not even me this time. This is the best.
[Prolonged silence]
Noah: This is a very important moment for Alohomora!
Kat: I’m taking a chocolate break.
Noah: We are checking some linguistic issues.
Kat: Are we scaring you, Micah?
Micah: No, no, it’s interesting.
Kat: Okay.
[Kat and Noah laugh]
Micah: Interesting.
Kat: To say the least, right? Yeah.
Noah: Scarpered. Scarper. Scarped. Scarpadoodle.
Kat: Scarpadoodledo? Sorry. Someone had to say it.
Noah: No, that was… hey, right on.
[Prolonged silence]
Noah: What are we waiting on right now?
[Kat laughs]
Noah: Just to see if the…
Kat: Caleb is looking something up.
Caleb: Mine says “scampered.” It says “scampered.”
Kat: I thought so.
